On Aging Gracefully...

Aging gracefully - I've heard that phrase frequently during my lifetime. It lead me to believe that aging is a process that occurs gradually over time. You know what? That's a crock of bull. When I turned 40, some switch in my body got flipped from the "young" setting to "old". Just like that.

1. Now when I sneeze, cough or laugh really hard; a tiny amount of pee comes out. What the hell is that?? My husband sees the look of alarm on my face when this happens and I rush out of the room. I know what he's thinking. "How many years have I got before she's wearing those sexy adult diapers..."

2. My hips and finger joints hurt. Add in my bad knees, my swollen feet, my bad back and the weird crick I keep getting in my neck and suddenly I am paying attention to those Alieve commercials with the arthritic 60-somethings...and those ads for the "Hover-round" and other personal mobility vehicles.

3. The cool little wings of gray hair that have framed my face for the last 15 years have spread, virtually overnight. As I ran to the store for hair color so I wouldn't be mistaken for Grandma at my son's first birthday party, I found myself reading the box and wondering if "more that 50%" of my hair was gray, which meant I would need permanent color instead of my usual semi-permanent. Maybe it's time for a violet rinse like my great aunt used to get. Am I ready to join the blue hair set?

4. I used to tune out those commercials for Colonial Penn and AARP supplemental life insurance. Now? I wonder if we DO have enough money for our family to pay those final expenses... Did you know the average cost of a funeral these days is $6,000???

5. I have a problem with anemia, so the husband volunteered to pick me up some new multi-vitamins at the local CVS. He called me from the store. Apparently the selection of vitamins geared toward women is massive and overwhelming. He asked, "Do you want the Geritol ones? They have extra iron..." I almost said YES.

On a brighter note... for a number of years I have been a once a day pooper, if that (joyful years I must say, after suffering from IBS). Like clockwork. Then I turned 40 and it's like my body shifted into a different gear. Now it's like 2, 3, 4, 5 times a day. Where the hell is it all coming from? My eating habits haven't really changed. Was all this just sitting up in my colon somewhere? All those years of stored red meat just waiting to come out? Oh wait. Maybe it's been that craving for Raisin Bran.

If I start drinking prune juice, I need someone to just shoot me. My granny was addicted to the stuff. She even poured it on her All Bran (or "Colon Blow" as my brother and I used to refer to it.)


Unhinged said…
Hah, this is something I would write. Peeing, pooping, actually paying attention to commericals heretofor known as fer geezers.

But you forgot to mention to groaning that happens when getting up or sitting down.

Woo, gotta go pee now.
poetmom said…
I think I just tinkled a little from laughing at your post. I know what you're talking about and think the same things. And a cough, sneeze or picking up of something rather large will send me out of the room also. At least we can grow old with humor. Maybe not gracefully, but definitely with a sense of humor.

jennifer said…
I got used to grabbing my crotch (in a very basebally-manly sort of way, mind you) everytime I sneezed. That way I didn't feel the pee. But then menopause hit and I can sneeze without grabbing. Took time to unlearn the habit. Now I just grab it for shits and giggles.

BTW, my bathroom visits changed too, from once a morning to pretty much anytime, anywhere.

When you start noticing recurrent sinus infections and inappropriate hairs growing out of your face, it's time to warn the family that it's not personal, but you may start running nekkid out into below-freezing weather and wanting to bitchslap anyone who says hi.

Gotta love this time of life.
Astaryth said…
I will NOT go gracefully!! I'm going to fight this getting old thing tooth and nail..... but I got a feeling I'm going to lose LOL! At least you aren't a grandmother yet... just hearing that makes you feel old ;p
Shari said…
OMG Becky you have me rolling over here!
Liz said…
Becky ~ you are too friggin' funny! OMG, I think you're describing my life here & we're the same age!!!!! As for the sneezing/coughing/laughing/peeing, I thought I was the only one! Those tufts of grey hairs @ my temples? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm gonna look like Paulie Walnuts on "The Sopranos" soon. Good lord...we need to get together & have coffee or something, sweetie!

~Aunt Nub~

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