Rough day...

I was hoping for a good weekend, like the one I had for the disability expo, but it didn't work out. I spent 2.5 hours getting ready for a special event and made it there, but after just over an hour, my pain level became unbearable. I forced a smile and swiftly said polite goodbyes and my poor husband helped me back to our van. Managed to shed my party clothes, gulp down pain meds, and collapse in bed before the tears came. I'm still happy I tried. I feel horrible when my health issues keep me from being there for friends and family.

I went to Facebook to send a message to a friend to tell her how fabulous she looked today. I'm sad I didn't get the chance to do it in person, but she won't notice. Busy day for them. Big event, lots of guests. Then I got caught up on what other friends are up to today. Facebook is really a life line for me. I don't feel well enough to go out most of the time, so it's nice to keep in touch.

But, I've been noticing a trend for some time now. My local circle of parent friends... I have this unshakeable feeling they are mad at me. I have no idea what I did (or didn't) do. It's all very passive aggressive and I could be imagining it. When I comment on a post, everyone else who comments will get a like except me. It started with 2 moms and spread from there. I'm being iced out, I think. The old "ignore her, and maybe she'll go away" thing I used to cope with in middle school. Today, I posted a gif to be cute and supportive. Someone else posted a near identical gif. He got engaging banter, likes, and playful gifs in return. Me? Ignored.

And it's more than half my local friend group now. Yes, they are all friends with each other. You think I'm crazy? Well, I am. But I was also the only one not invited to the baby shower. And ladies nights. And back yard get togethers. I have a feeling I didn't do something they expected me to and now I'm on the town wide shit list. It could be they think I won't be able to participate. Maybe so, but don't skip the disabled mom because you assume. I try my best to be there. I can't help out the way I used to. But I want to.

I like everyone and want to be liked in return. Maybe they sense my desperate need to belong. Am I off putting? A couple of them have made posts in the past poking fun at fat people. Could be I'm too fat to hang with the cool kids. Snark is my defense mechanism, people. Really, I am quiet, shy, and very kind. Yet, awkward. Maybe I said something that someone took the wrong way? Yes, I second think a ton.

Or maybe it's my kids. I swear we do not gossip or do anything that would be a bad example. We have always taken a very strong anti bully stance. And teen is a troll who makes highly objectionable memes. He thinks it's funny and says his friends all do it too. We do not approve.  My middle schooler trash talks his friends as they game together. I imagine he talks this way to them at school. I've told him repeatedly that he's gone too far and someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I get eyerolls. But he doesn't see his best friend very much any more. Coincidence?

I don't know. All I do is worry and speculate. And count the balls I've dropped over the last few years. I have the best of intentions, but my body and mind just won't cooperate. I'm tired. In pain. Deeply depressed. Anxious. I just can't anymore. So I'll just call it a day and walk away. I like these people very much, but the constant rejection breaks my heart. I think my friend Emily is right. Facebook has become toxic.


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