Obesity

OK - let me start out by saying, "If you don't like fat people or are uncomfortable in any way with words like Morbid Obesity, Flab, Whale, Wide-Load, Cholesterol, Fat Rolls, Jiggle, Woo Hoo Look at that Blubber Fly...then you should take your skinny butt out of my journal before I floss my teeth with ya." That being said, let's chew the fat, shall we?

I am, according to my doctor, Morbidly Obese. That is such an ugly term. I hate seeing it in my medical records. I seem to have topped out in the neighborhood of ___ lbs and holding. I'll leave that blank for now. I am trying to be brave here. I may come back and fill that in later. Let's just say I qualify for my insurance to cover Gastric Bypass surgery.

What's it like to be fat? I get winded climbing a half flight of steps, I can't go to my mailbox and back without stopping to catch my breath, my knees creak worse than an un-oiled rusty hinge, my hip joints pop in a most alarming fashion when I roll around in bed, my belly hangs so low I could go without underpants and you can't see anything that would qualify as "female parts", my son uses my red tee-shirt as his superman cape, my husband has never been able to pick me up in our entire time together (including my more skinny days early in our relationship), I can't fit in most amusement park rides anymore (even though I love them dearly), I no longer attend the movies in person because the seats in the theater are just a tad too tight, I am cautious when I eat out because I often can't fit into booth-style seats and need an armless chair instead, my feet and ankles swell up to alarming proportions due to poor circulation, my cholesterol level is so high, I don't think I actually have blood anymore...it's something closer to clotted cream or liquid lard. I think you get the picture.

So what am I going to do about this situation. I have tried many diets (grapefruit, skip-a-day, starvation, Nutra-System, dietician recommended, doctor's heart-health diet...yadda) and they have never had long term results. Why? I always fall back to my old patterns of eating...I get too hungry or bored to stay on these plans. I am a compulsive and stress over eater. I also reward myself with food, celebrate special occasions with food, drown out depression with food...food is my answer to everything/anything. I have belonged to two health clubs and had unlimited access to three others in my lifetime. I have probably gone INTO them a sum total of 10 times. Best exercise experience I ever had was on a vacation in Bermuda. I booked a session with a personal trainer in the spa at the hotel. He was incredible! He worked my ass off for an hour and it seemed like minutes. His secret? He was HOT and flirted with me the whole time. What a motivator! I asked him if he would come home with me...he would have fit perfectly into my super-sized suitcase. *sigh* If only he had taken me up on my offer. I know I would be a size 10 right now, for sure.

So on to Plan 456...I am joining Curves and starting The South Beach Diet. I look at my loving husband and adorable little boy and I really and truly want to be around as long as I possibly can for their benefit. Plus I really love living. I want to go to Six Flags soooo bad! I don't want to be asked "So when are you due?" anymore! I don't want security taking me aside at the airport and asking how far along I am anymore! I don't want to be charged for two seats on an airplane! I also don't want to be unreasonable here...I just want to be HEALTHY. I can accept being large. I just don't want to be super-sized. Can I hear an amen!? I could use some support and encouraging words here, people. Thanks. Oh, and I may try the diet I have printed below too...it sounds like it could really work!

The Toddler Miracle Diet
------------------------------

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor. Otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate and mash with forehead. Stick of mascara for dessert.