Distraught

After some soul searching, John decided to tell me something tonight he knew I wouldn't like.

Apparently, he had a conversation with his brother yesterday. "T" had called John on his cell phone to inform him that they (he and his wife) were purchasing new family room furniture. New furniture? Didn't they just get new furniture a few months ago??

According to Tom, they had to get all new furniture because I had ruined their sofa. Excuse me??? There was a visible "indent" in the sofa. I don't know all the details. All I know is they are blaming my fat ass for breaking their sofa cushion.

At first I was deeply embarrassed and upset. I cried. Could I have really "broken" their sofa?? Is it possible? The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. How could I cause a permanent indent in their damn sofa?!? I wasn't sitting in it for very long at Christmas. Are they sure the "indent" is my fault?? John said he argued that point and Tom very nastily insisted that YES, it was me.

Now I went from sad and embarrassed to angry and hurt. How could they just point the finger at me and assume it was my fault? Worse yet, how tacky is it that they called and POINTED IT OUT TO MY HUSBAND THAT THEY HAVE TO GET ALL NEW FURNITURE and, get this, THAT I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SIT ON MOST OF THEIR FURNITURE. Oh sure, I am still welcome in their home, but from now on I must SIT ON SOMETHING STURDIER LIKE A HARD WOODEN KITCHEN CHAIR.

I'm sorry T, but I KNOW you were raised better. If I had broken something, I would have immediately said so and offered to pay for it. I know there is NO WAY I caused any harm to their stupid sofa. And the fact that they felt the need to call and place blame in such a petty and hurtful way... I am never going over to their home again.

I would NEVER have called attention to something like this. It's not like they can't afford new furniture. But that's not even the point. I'm not articulating this well because I am SO FREAKIN ANGRY. Don't they have ANY clue how this little accusation of theirs would make me feel? Don't fat people have feelings too?

For them to automatically assume it's my fault. It's beyond rude. It's beyond hurtful. It's despicable. I would have just kept this assumption to myself, got a new sofa, and the next time the person I suspected "ruined" my furniture came over to visit, I would have made an excuse as to why I didn't want anyone to sit on the new furniture. Oh, we just had it ScotchGuarded...or oh, the leg is wobbly...why don't you sit in that chair over there (and have a chair ready for them to use). ANYTHING but call up the person's spouse behind their back and make these insulting and degrading accusations.

I'm devastated. Tyler loves his cousins so very much and they get along so well. I don't want to deprive him of a relationship with them. But, this is not the first insulting and hurtful thing that T or his wife have said to or about us. John told me tonight that he has always sensed some sort of dislike or disapproval from my sister-in-law. I know. I've sensed it too. But I have no idea why or what it's about. I've been nothing but nice to them over the years.

Needless to say, I will NOT be bringing Tyler to his cousin's birthday party at the end of the month. John said he won't bring him either. I won't go to my mother-in-law's house if I know they are going to be there. I hate that it's come to this. But I know I just won't feel comfortable around them ever again. If I see them, I'll just cry.

LATER: It turns out that the oh-so-offensive sofa cushion eventually returned to normal (space age foam core I guess), but just looking at my ass print for the hour or however long it took to spring back was too much for my SIL. It made her ill just thinking about sitting where my ass used to be...so that's why they needed to run out and get a whole new sofa. Nice.

This entry used to be in my old blog on AOL and the outpouring of support I got from that blogging community was so great, I wanted to copy over the comments too.

• Damn, This T, is not even a person. He is a VERY ARROGANT ASSHOLE. Please don't go there again. I'm surprised your husband didn't go kick his ass. (pardon all my french, this just makes me mad). what, did t want you guys to pay for his stupid couch too??? what a JERK!!!!! i have never heard of such shit in my life! it makes me want to call him and tell him what i think... can i have his number???? lol, but somehow, i'm not kidding... what a JERK. his kids proably jumped on his furniture... what kind of people are these? i'm sooooooo sorry you have to be somehow related to them.
  God Bless you.
  sara http://journals.aol.com/ceschorr/LifewithoutLaundry
  
• This is ridiculous. I would never speak to them again. Why did it take until NOW to tell you this information? How do you know that someone else has not been to their house and broken it and now they are blaming it on you? They sound like spiteful people. Until they make amends, I would have nothing further to do with them. Hugs to you!
  
• New to your journal. How appalling of someone to be so rude and cruel as to even speak something of this. I say "screw 'em!"
  http://journals.aol.com/jcole16757/My2Cents/
  
• Bless your little heart! Why do some people think they have the "know all" over everyone else. I am a big girl and I know it takes a large person to plop themselves down pretty darn hard to break a sofa, especially a new sofa. I'm sorry to hear your in-laws are so inconsiderate and hurtful towards you. I know, all too well, it's difficult when family does not get along. Hang in there and follow your heart.
  http://journals.aol.com/boiseladie/MyWorld/
  
• That was a shitty thing to do....Sad all around
  
  NJLB
  http://journals.aol.com/njlittlebear/MyBigFatGeekLife
  
• Jeesh...my heart hurt just reading your entry. If my family ever did something like that to me I'd be beyond hurt. I can't see how you ruined their couch either. It sounds like they got a bug up their butt about you and looked for something rude to say. I truly believe that things come back on people. And another thing I believe is that it's perfectly fine to set boundaries with family. It sucks, but people can only hurt you so many times and you gotta push them away.
  I'm sending you a big ol'hug!
  Steph
  
• Oh, honey, I'd like to punch them in the balls. It takes a lot to get this Quaker PAcifist riled up, but when I am, watch out!!! This is so cruel!!! I cannot believe this....I am so MAD!!
  
  You can come sit on my furniture anytime you want. Hell, move in.
  love, Kas
  
  http://journals.aol.com/hestiahomeschool/HomeschoolingJournal/
  
• Oh Becky, what a nasty nasty thing to do. It sounds as if these people need treatment! I have been hurt so many times by family (my older brother) that I had to put my foot down. We do not see them now or have anything to do with them. Hard when you come to our age but we could not take it anymore. Please do not blame yourself.
  
• That happened to me...but I was just a kid. I was swinging on one of those crappy plastic swing sets at a friend of the family's and the seat broke right down the middle. It was already cracked and stuff but the mom (who happens to be thin as a rail) says that I am WAY too large to be sitting on it. She told me to go sit on the picnic table. Sad....Sorry T and his wife were so rude. *shaking head* just sad that they would have the nerve.
  Kim
  
• {{{{{{{{{{ Becky }}}}}}}}}},
  
  I don't know if I ever read anything that surprised and simultaneously disgusted me as much as what this entry reveals about your husband's brother and his wife. Even if you said they were on crack or in a drunken stupor it would be beyond comprehension that they could arrive at such a thought much less communicate it!
  
  I am sorry for those children that they have such mindless parents. I regret that you had to experience such an insensitive and ignorant situation. I am also sorry for John that his brother is such a (_______) I guess there are plenty of things that I could fill in that blank with.
  
  I am sorry for Ty that he and his cousins won't be able to play at they have at each others' homes. {{{{{Becky}}}}}.....they are not deserving of your time or thoughts. My ass is bigger than yours and I so wish I could go to their home, spread my cheeks on their couch (the old new one and the soon to be newer new one) and expel flatus from my rectum in hopes that it would leave them with a permanent olfactory reminder that I had visited them!
  
  Love {{{{{you}}}}}
  Vivian
  
• Oh my gosh, what kind of a person does something like that?! They obviously have serious personal problems...I'm so sorry that they hurt you like that. (((((Becky))))) Maybe there's still a way for Tyler and his cousins to still see each other without you having to see THEM? Because I agree with you, I would never want to see his brother again...you didn't do anything wrong.
  
• I am just floored at the gaul your BIL had in thinking that let alone saying it. That has to be the most tackiest thing I've heard in a long time.
  
  Becky, tell him that if you and him were in the same room, he'd be the big ass.
  
  ~tara :)
  
• Now I've heard of rudeness before, but this one HAS to be the ultimate. Are they just naturally rude or do they have to work at it? Or are they just stupid?
  
  I would be just like you. I would most definitely go to extremes to NOT be in the same county as them, much less the same building. But I have a feeling that people like this are too dense to get the message you'll be sending.
  
  How utterly disgusting.
  
  ~~ jennifer
  
• {{{{{OH BECKY}}}}} LET ME AT 'UM!! I WANT A PIECE OF THEIR SKINNEY LITTLE ASSES! That is just down right rude, callous, and cruel. Where do they buy their furniture anyway? Toy stores? Even if it were true, I would NEVER EVER let another person feel responsible for something like that. If you were jumping on their sofa and went through to the floor it would be one thing ( and then it would be funny;) but sitting on a sofa for hours on end wouldn't break it...unless it was a piece of poo poo.
  
  I am not one for writing off family members but THIS is a deal breaker. A MAJOR apology would be required for me to EVER break bread with them again.
  I feel your pain friend!
  
  (I bet they were fishing for you to pay for their new furniture simply because they weren't in love with what they already had.....My money is on the fact that they didn't try to repair it or replace the exact look). If YOU EVER go over there again for whatever reason....PEE ON IT FOR ME WOULD YA?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
  
• Oh Becky, that is just downright rude and completely insensitive! And I agree with everything you wrote....you probably didn't do it, and what in the world is the point in bringing that to hubby's attention behind your back? I just don't know...that is horrible, I wouldn't send my child to the party either...I'm so sorry this happened....someone needs to smack them!
  
• OMG, Becky, I am soooooooooooooooooooooo MAD!!!!!!! I have a friend, a dear, dear friend who is 340 pounds! He has not ruined my sofa! First of all, what kind of CHEAP sofa did they buy??? Second, why did they call??? How f***ing rude is this???? Third, I think you can't reason with people like this!!! They are like they are!! RUDE!!! I am so, so sorry! I am sending you a hug. A big hug and an apology from deep in my heart as I have been darn hefty (close to 300 pounds) at certain times in my life and I know how it feels and I know they won't apologize. I am so glad your husband stuck up for you. Please don't let it be your fault. I hope you can eventually realize that this is their problem and not yours. Hugs, Val xox
  
• That is SO FRICKIN' RUDE!!!! OMG!!!! (((((((hugs)))))))))))
  Good for your husband for sticking with you.... gosh some people can be schmucks. Family or not.
  
  XO, Isabel
  
• Screw 'em. This just pisses me off. There's no way that's your fault. If a couch isn't strong enough to stand up to one person of ANY size sitting on it, they bought shoddy furniture. Repeat, screw 'em. You're making the right decision.
  
• Your in-laws are the most hateful, childish, stupid people I've run across in awhile! If their sofa was indeed damaged, they need to be dealing with the company they bought it from because sofas are supposed to hold their shape through YEARS with ALL TYPES of weights sitting on them! I wouldn't ever darken their door again and would tell them they are welcome to drop their kids off from time to time to play with Tyler but at this point in time they were no longer welcome in your home. And being who I am, I would have to write a long, detailed email explaining how I felt about all this and fill in the in-laws so they didn't hear some deluded version. I am so sorry you had to go through this!
  Jennifer
  
• I think it is impossible that you ruined anything...but, it seems, they have ruined your friendship. I would never want to see them again, either! And yes, we fat people have feelings, and they hurt all the time over people like them...so sorry you are being treated this way. It is disgusting...I don't know where they are buying their furniture, but if they think their kitchen chairs are sturdier than a sofa, then maybe they should rethink where they are buying their crappy sofas! I think it is just their way of trying to feel superior to everyone else. In reality, they have sunk really low with this one...Please try not to feel bad...JAE
  
• Well what the heck did they expect your husband to say? I think that is outrageous! It's ridiculous to blame that on you. Listen, my MIL is extremely overweight and for four years she came to our house to babysit our children once per week. Where do you think she sat? On our furniture! Do not take the blame and do not shed one more tear over those rude and arrogant and shallow people. I cannot believe that your BIL would even say something like that to his brother. I don't blame you a bit for being upset, hurt and angry. I'm so sorry your feelings have been hurt like that.
  
• Becky my dear, huge great (((((hugs))))) to you, I know this will have been so hurtful to you. I'm a tall girl, and very overweight. I have broken chairs before, though only through years of sitting on them, and they've always been second hand and well worn before ever coming into our house. I seriously doubt you would have caused ANY damage by sitting on a sofa for a few hours, and I'd have thought your BIL and SIL would have something to say to the manufacturers of their new furniture about the sag, not you or John. Didn't it come with a guarantee? I think it's disgusting that they're blaming you and that they called John, and I agree that they don't deserve to have you in their home ever again. Thoughtless, cruel, judgemental...hey, I would much rather be overweight than any of those things.
  Take care my dear, more huge great (((((hugs))))) to you.
  Sara x
  
• Phooey on them. My bestfriend weighed over 350 pounds and her couch did not sag. Those dummy have cheap furniture and small minds.
  
• that's pathetic
  rise and fly above it !!
  don't waste time and space on them.........
  http://journals.aol.co.uk/sdrogerson/SpecimenDays/
  
• Those people need to learn something I figured out about fifteen years ago: People are more important than things. Anyone who cares so little about another's feelings isn't worth spending time with (I know, you probably have no choice, but I sure wouldn't lose sleep over these thoughtless jerks).
  
• I don't know why but, I had never looked at the 'about me' section of your journal! I always jumped right into the entries and I was hooked from the first entry I read. Now that I've read the 'about me' section, I like you even MORE! There was a lot in there that hit home for me. You are a beautiful woman and you don't deserve to be treated the way you were. There is no way you would've damaged the sofa! OK, I'm leaving now. Grrrrrrrrrrrr
  
  Monica
  
• OMG, just reading that had me outraged! Let me tell you something. I don't know how much you weigh, for all I know you could be ten pounds overweight and they call that fat. I was FAT, I weighed 300 pounds once and trust me, our sofa didn't sag or break when I sat down. We had our sofa for 10 years when we replaced it. And even then it had NOTHING to do with my weight sitting and breaking or sagging any part of the sofa. It's a TOTAL falsehood that you could make the sofa sag by sitting once for a few hours. I DON'T buy it! They are SICK and inconsiderate for even suggesting such a thing! Do they have children? Do the children jump on the sofa? That would be more realistic in my opinion. DON'T beat yourself up, don't let this eat at you. Personally, I'd NEVER EVER step foot in that house again. NEVER! Kudo's to your husband for standing up for you. I think I better stop ranting cus this won't accept my comment if I continue. Whatever, DON'T let them get you down! You are a wonderful woman no matter what you weigh.
  Monica
  http://journals.aol.com/sonensmilinmon/SmilinMonsAdventures/
  http://journals.aol.com/photographybymon/Mamarazzi/
  
• Jeez! Why even broach the subject to John? Just buy the new freakin' furniture! What they did was lame and hurtful.
  
• Some people are born rude and dumb and idiotic. I read your entry and went WTF? Your BIL and SIL are certifiably not worth your or your families time! I'm just furious at the idiocy of some people.
  
  You are a great person. I've read your journal via Bloglines for a while. There isn't a mean bone in your body. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
  
  And kudos for your hubby for sticking up for you!
  
  ~alice
  
• This just has me outraged.I just don't understand how people especially Family can be so rude.
  I'm sorry this happened to you. Yea! for your husband for sticking up for you. I agree with you I would never go to their house again and I mean NEVER. That's just crazy. A dent in a couch doesn't happen that quickly. It takes time for that to happen. I think those people have just lost their minds.
  Cheer up. We're behind you all the way.
  Hugs. R.C.
  
• HOW RUDE!!! I just don't believe it... Have a great Sunday! Linda
  
• Gee, I don't know what to say. Are these the same people who expected you to cook them a gourmet meal the day Tyler was born?
  
  People was be terribly selfish and consciously or unconsciously cruel. It's quite possible that they believe what they said. It's so easy to blame the fat person. As I always say, it's one of the few bigotries that are still socially acceptable.
  
  In my experience, a dent in furniture is something that takes place over time--months, or more likely years. If new furniture is already like that, then it's clearly not holding up well, and the sag almost certainly isn't due to something that happened over a period of a day or two or three, two months ago. It's much more likely that one of them habitually sits in the same place each day. Furthermore, a reasonable approach to a sag in a piece of new furniture is to restuff it, not replace the entire set.
  
  You know I'm basically a pacifist. I HATE confliect and confrontations. But if those two people were in the room with my right now, I would be yelling--rationally, with logic and compassion, but also with great anger.
  
  Karen
  
• "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
  Eleanor Roosevelt quotes
  
  Don't Consent!
  
• OMG!!!!! HOW RUDE SOME PEOPLE CAN BE FAMILY OR NOT!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SCENARIO.. I AM OVERWEIGHT MYSELF BUT IF SOMEONE WAS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY HUSBAND BEHIND MY BACK ABOUT ME HE WOULD SERIOUSLY BE CUSSING THEM OUT!!! AND REPENTING LATER... AND I WOULD BE AS YOU ARE UPSET AND ANGRY AND I TOO WOULD PROBABLY NOT GO TO THEIR HOME ANYMORE... I JUST CANNOT GET OVER HOW RUDE THAT WAS AND HOW INSULTING AND HURTFUL IT WAS FOR YOU... I EMPATHIZE WITH YOU AND THIS SADDENED ME WHEN I READ IT AND YET ANGERED ME IN THE SAME SENSE... FAT OR SKINNY PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS AND THERE IS A SUCH THING AS TACT.. WHICH OBVIOUS HE HAD NONE AT THAT TIME.. NO OFFENSE TO YOUR HUBBY'S FAMILY...PLZ BELIEVE ME NO OFFENSE... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! AND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT U FEEL IS BETTER FOR YOU... BE BLESSED AND BE ENCOURAGED... INGRID
  
• OMG I have never in my life felt so sorry for someone in my life, nor have I ever felt so flippin' OUTRAGED by people's behavior. FROM FAMILY? Personally, I would drive my FAT ASS over to her house and bitch slap her and him! I couldn't agree with you more that I would NEVER step foot in their house again! NEVER EVER NEVER! I am so sorry! How cruel and callous, thoughtless and spiteful, and none other than blantantly RUDE!!!!!! Kudos to your hubby for sticking up for you! Want me to kick their ass? LOL
  
  Stacy
  
  http://journals.aol.com/djzgirl71/TheRoadLessTaken