Monday, January 30, 2006

Thoughts on Infertility and Adoption

I guess I'm a tad unusual amongst the infertile throngs...adoption was always in the cards for us. We researched domestic vs. international adoption right along with the latest advances in infertility research. We considered not putting my body through the rigors of IVF, but I had that nagging voice at the back of my skull saying "but what if it works?!" I really did want to experience pregnancy, labor, breast feeding...the works.

It's such a crushing blow when the body doesn't DO what it's supposedly DESIGNED to do. It's like a cosmic joke on me. Here I was...adopted myself...and now I was looking into adopting. Being adopted, I guess it made the decision to adopt that much easier. (Hey, it worked out pretty darn well for MY parents, right?)

But I did go through that grieving process...the loss of that dream child...the one that looks like me and my husband with all our genetic pluses and minuses. Add to that the dreams of my mother. She wanted to experience pregnancy through me; come along for the ride. My body let her down too.

At my lowest point, before the infertility treatment and adoption research began, my husband's aunt (also a mom through the miracle of adoption) said to me:

"Do you want a pregnancy? Or a baby?"

It was like a lightbulb turning on over my head. Duh! I wanted to be a mother and raise a child! Of course I didn't have to be pregnant to achieve that goal!

And so I am - a mother. In the end, it doesn't really matter how I got here.

So what got me all contemplative tonight? I found a new blog I like. :-)


Totally off the topic... I did get the results of my CT scan. It's not good. It looks like Endo is out to kick my ass again. The biggest thing visible is a FOOTBALL sized fluid filled mass in my abdomen. In other words, more freakin cysts and more freakin surgery. I'm not critical, yet. I'm trying to find the right kind of surgeon but I want to put off the surgery as long as I can. I need to lose some serious weight if I want any hope of recovering in a normal length of time. I also need to pick the right surgeon(s). My gastro doc won't do it (it's outside his area of expertise) but he did say he didn't see any reason why a reproductive cancer specialist can't take care of this mess AND do my hysterectomy too. What a great thing that would be...go under the knife once and do it ALL.

11 comments:

Aria said...

Now I'm all weepy over here. I've read the naked ovary before and just adored her. Let me know if there's anything I can do, besides be waiting here on Saturday WOOHOO with a bottle of sparkly grape juice :)

Shari said...

(((Becky)))

Anonymous said...

((((becky)))) you are in my thoughts as you undergo what you need to do to take care of your health... nettie

Tess said...

My best wishes are with you.
The only pregnancy I experienced was ectopic and I almost died. I did foster parenting in hopes of adopting a child that needed a home. We never found that child. I know that I touched a few children and that they will remember.

Christine said...

Thanks for sharing that web site. LOVE IT!

This is a good post.

Celeste said...

I pray you can get it done right

Robbie said...

I'm sorry about the Endo problem. Please don't wait too long. :::hugs:::

hestiahomeschool said...

I ahve been struggling with infertility issues since my hysterectomy a few weeks ago...I know I should not be sad--and especially since they found uterine cancer--but it does seem sad to not be able to get pregnant ...but then, my granny hunger wakes up, and I begin eyeing Mandy and Derek...

Ruta said...

Becky, I found your blog through the Naked Ovary. Your blog interested me because of our similarities ... I'm also an adopted kid who experienced infertility, skipped treatments and adopted. Through some fluke, I've had two biological kids since then. But it is a very interesting place to be -- dealing with adoption from another leg of the triad, so to speak.

BoiseLadie said...

Becky, thinking of you. Hope you're able to find the best physician and care for your needs. Take care of you.

jerseygirljournal said...

I worked for the fertility center at UMDNJ's medical school in Newark years ago...you know of them? They should still be around, some good docs there...I'm sorry you have to go through this...there are no answers and it's not fair...my heart goes out to you... definately consider a second opinion by a reproductive endocrinologist with all this.