First let me say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment on my last entry. Your thoughts did more for me than I can ever express. I love all of you!
And thanks to Karen for the wicked cool calendar and ornaments! I never knew you were so crafty! And that vintage ornament...wow. I cried when I read the back. I am sooo sentimental. Or maybe it's just "mental". Ya know... Did you know that our first Christmas tree as marrieds had a cat theme? LOL I was a little cat crazed back then.
As for Christmas...it was very nice. Cozy with just the three of us. Tyler said "This is the best Christmas EVER!" So that made us feel good. Front runners for favorite gift are his Pixter Multimedia (he is loving the mazes), his doctor kit (he has been having a ball giving us all checkups and giving poor Mommy lots of "happy shots"), his mini-trampoline and the foam disk shooter gun his Aunt and Uncle gave him...his first projectile weapon. Oh boy! He had a ball shooting his Mommy in the butt (big hilarious fun) and knocking down the targets that came with it. You can see the look on his face when he first opened the shooter. I could just SEE the wheels turning as he had his mischievous thoughts.
The only crushing Mommy moment (other than the ongoing family drama) was when Ty first opened his doctor set. I had specially made a doctor's lab coat with a name badge that said Dr. Tyler on it. I thought he would LOVE it; want to dress up as a doctor and play...but no. He said "I'm not going to wear that!!!" and when I begged him to wear it just for a minute so I could take his picture, he started to cry. It took some time for us to talk with him and find out what about that lab coat was making him so upset. Turns out he associates the lab coat with his last visit to the Doctor's office where the lady in the lab coat gave him two painful shots (that subsequently made him REALLY ill). Ah. The lights went on in my brain, but I was still horribly disappointed that we wouldn't try his cool new Doctor coat on. *sigh* Maybe the shot trauma will fade with time.
Photos can be seen here.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
First let me say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment on my last entry. Your thoughts did more for me than I can ever express. I love all of you!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
For those of you out there who are struggling to lose weight; have you ever gone out to eat and you watch while a pretty, thin person at another table digs into a wickedly sinful dessert and you think to yourself - "Oh man, I just hate them."
Or you are sitting on the beach and a girl in a bikini with a perfect figure walks by and you think, "I hate you!"
Of course, you don't REALLY hate them. Maybe you just really really dislike them a whole lot. But do you really? Well...maybe YOU do. But I don't. No. The person I really really dislike a whole lot is ME.
No. Really I HATE me. With a white hot passion. I mean really. Who would want to be me? No one looks at me and thinks, "God I hate you...I wish I were as large as you are. I wish I were infertile. I wish I needed a hysterectomy. I wish I had chronic pain from a debilitating disease. I wish I suffered from depression. I wish I had no friends close by to lean on or do things with. I wish I were physically incapable of maintaining my home in a pristine and neat fashion." OK. Maybe a few women (and men) might think, "I wish I had HER husband and child." But that is about all I have going for me.
So who do I turn to when I want to work through all the insanity rolling around in my head? I can't talk to my parents. They agree with the insane me inside my head. I SHOULD hate myself. No one can love themselves when they look the way I do. My parents are ashamed of me and lie to their friends about me to hide the truth.
I have a couple of friends who live far away. I can talk to them, but they have heard it all before and they have big problems of their own to overcome.
So I turn to the one outlet where I know I can work thought my internal insanity. I write it all down and work through it with words. I get the insanity OUT of my head, into black and white, where I can read it with the rational side of my brain. An added bonus are the handful of kindly stranger friends who happen by, read my insane drivel, and sympathize. They understand this insanity. They relate to it. They write about it too.
Now, one of my random rants that had a "God, I hate her..." theme has been taken completely out of context, taken LITERALLY, read and completely misunderstood and then used as a weapon to rip apart what little happiness I had left in my miserable life. They didn't get the whole "I hate her...no I hate MEEEEEE" thing at all. Why? Because it's impossible to understand self-loathing when you and your life are perfect. It's impossible to give me the benefit of the doubt when all you see when you look at me is someone not worth knowing because I am disgustingly fat, seemingly lazy, seemingly slovenly...someone you have already decided is worthless.
I'm not supposed to blog about stuff like this anymore. I was told to be more generic. I can't name names. I can't put my insane rantings in a public forum...I need to censor myself. I don't know if I can do that and still derive benefit from my formerly therapeutic outlet. John told me to start a private blog. I've tried to have multiple blogs in the past. It doesn't work. After a couple entries, they fall by the wayside. This main blog is just that. My main blog. My primary. My place to write everything and anything about where life has taken me.
Innocents are being hurt over this misunderstanding. I hate myself even more (and I didn't think that was possible).
Maybe tomorrow I can stop crying and try to post something cheerful. Something worth reading. Something that can't be misconstrued, twisted and thrown in my face in a glorious "Ah HA! I knew she was worthless..." moment.
I hate me. It sucks to be me. Thank God a couple people love me anyway (but I have no idea why.)
Posted by Becky at 5:13 AM
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Turkey Lasagna... Turkey Scallopini... Curry Turkey Couscous... Crockpot Turkey Kielbasa Stew... Cranberry Turkey Muffins... (MUFFINS???) Turkey Minestrone... Turkey & Beans on Rice... Turkey and Mixed Veggie Stir-fry... Turkey Schnitzel with Applesauce... Turkey Fajitas... Turkey Creole... Turkey Legs Osso Bucco... Turkey with Peppers & Eggplant... Mexican Turkey Frittata...
Time to go baste.
Posted by Becky at 12:26 PM
It's 1:00 AM and I couldn't resist snapping a few pics of Tyler's latest Christmas treasures. I just wish Santa wouldn't leave the assembly chores to US. Heh. I think Ty will be pleased. I am wondering if he will leave his mini-trampoline at all to go down into the living room to see the rest of his presents. Last year when he got his Spiderman play house and the Spiderman and Friends rescue center (or what ever it's called), he parked himself down to play immediately and didn't even open the rest of his gifts until the next day. This is the problem with having limited space in the living room. Santa leaves the large items upstairs where they get spotted first.
For those who were curious, yes I did manage to find everything I needed at the supermarket today...er...yesterday. The only problem? There were only 2 fresh turkeys left (remember, I couldn't buy frozen because it's too late to wait for a 3 day defrost)...20 lbs and 21.7 lbs. Oh boy! So yes. I am cooking a 20 lb turkey for THREE PEOPLE tomorrow morning. Eh. That's ok. I love turkey and I can freeze the leftovers. We'll have turkey soup, turkey tetrazzini, turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey kabobs and anything else I can think of. ;-)
I probably won't have time to post later today (but then, you never know)...so Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!
Eeeeeee! I can't wait until morning. What is more fun that watching a kid at Christmas? Well, maybe BEING a kid at Christmas; but I'll settle for the former.
Posted by Becky at 1:02 AM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
- In a frenzy of activity this morning, while Tyler was at school, John and I got most of the presents wrapped and hidden away in his office. Originally I was just planning to put most of the gifts under the tree, unwrapped (the way my parents did it) but John likes to watch Tyler shred paper and reveal his gifts one by one. M'kay. I don't have a problem with that. ;-) There are still a couple of large items that will give me that treasured *gasp* moment for my video.
- I still have not shopped for our Christmas dinner. Yes, I am a major procrastinator, but this is epic even for me. It's 2AM and I'm crossing my fingers and praying the supermarket still has turkeys, stuffing bread and other essentials when I go there tomorrow morning...er...later this morning.
- One of our Hawaii relatives sent us a card this year with a little something extra tucked inside. Ever since Tyler was born and they sent us a lovely gift for him, I have included them on our Christmas card list. This is the first year they have sent us a card in return and to find a note and that little extra surprise was, well, a shock! A very nice shock, to be sure! The note had some very sweet comments about Tyler. I guess they have been enjoying the annual photo and progress report I send. Thanks very much to Tyler's Great Uncle and Auntie! We hope to come visit you soon!
- What happens when Mommy gets all frazzled and wrapped up in last minute Christmas prep? Well, for one thing, she forgets to clean the one non-self-cleaning cat potty in the house. Poor Sparty doesn't have his own LitterMaid yet. I just figured that eventually he would start using Sasha's. Nope. I guess he likes having his own litter box (a necessity back when I had to keep these guys segregated until Spartacus could be certified pestilence free). So what's a clever kitten to do when he has to make sissy and his potty is too gross? Well...he noses open the hinged lid on the giant tub of scooping cat litter I bought for him and uses THAT. Wasn't that a shock for Mommy when I finally got around to cleaning his potty, only to lift the lid on the tub of "clean litter" to find...uh... Sparty! How the hell did you get IN there?! I was laughing my butt off trying to picture the maneuvers he had to make to climb in there, stick his head out of the lid and do his business. Unreal!
- What else gets neglected when I get too busy? Check out the hairdo on my little man (photo from his school holiday party on Wednesday). Oh my! Someone's hair is out of control! Luckily Daddy came to the rescue and took Ty for a haircut yesterday. Wait 'til you see him. New photos coming soon (probably just after Christmas).
- ...and if I don't see you later; Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night! Oh, and Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to everyone!
Posted by Becky at 2:17 AM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I finished my Christmas shopping!!! Whew! Some items I am worried about...will they arrive in time? I'll just have to sweat it out and cross fingers. I can't believe how long I waited to finish shopping this year. Thank goodness so many websites were offering free shipping deals or I would have gone broke from all the expedited shipping charges. I'll give a shout out to Barnes and Noble.com and Overstock.com especially. They were among the few to GUARANTEE delivery by 12/24. Overstock even has free expedited shipping on selected items. Very cool.
Tyler is still struggling with the aftermath of his latest vaccinations. He still has a low grade fever. The doctor put him on a 10 day course of antibiotics. It's day three and that fever isn't budging. Otherwise, he is acting pretty normal. He is eating a little less than he usually does, but he isn't ACTING sick any more. I'm not sending him back to school until there is no trace of fever tho.
Hopefully John's work schedule is light this week. I hope to sneak out one day this week to pick up some stocking stuffers for Tyler. I have such fond memories from my youth regarding my Christmas stocking. For a number of years my mother would hang these south western style hand-knit SUPER long stockings by the fireplace. They were so long that, once filled, they would stretch from the hook they hung on clear down to the hearth. My brother and I would save them for last, after opening up everything else under the tree.
The stockings would be filled with fun stuff like Christmas candy, small puzzles or games, little stuffed animals, and for me - some cool Avon products. I would get tasty lip balms, fun shaped soaps, and cool jewelry. (A friend of my Mom's was an Avon lady.) I miss all that fun Avon stuff. Anyone remember those neat puppet wash cloths that came with their own character soaps? Who can beat a combo bath and puppet show? I still remember the year we came running downstairs to find Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch watching us from their perch...stuffed into the top opening of our stockings.
I want Tyler to get that same thrill from the little treasures in his stocking. Last year he was so overwhelmed with what was under the tree, the stockings were forgotten until the following day. Nothing wrong with prolonging the Christmas joy, eh?
Posted by Becky at 5:01 PM
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Karen tagged me a few days ago...so just for her:
5 Quirky Things about Becky
- I wrap leftovers and save, no matter how little there is left. I hate to waste food. The problem is these leftovers rarely get eaten so I end up tossing them once then get old and moldy.
- I just asked Tyler to tell me something quirky about his mommy and he said "You poop in funny colors...like orangey green." Um. Oookaaaay. Not that I've ever noticed this myself, but that sounds pretty odd.
- I like to go through my day mostly in the nude. Only at home, of course. I think I should move to a warmer climate.
- I like to eat my Skittles (and other multi-colored candies) in color order. First all the orange. Then all the green and yellow, in pairs, to make lemon-lime. Then purple. Then red. My husband thinks this is odd (he just chows on them by the rainbow handful). I like to savor the individual flavors.
- I like mayo on my french fries. Heck, I like mayo on just about anything. But I hear mayo on fries isn't that odd in some parts of the US and some foreign countries.
- I love the smell of a freshly opened Pepsi. And only Pepsi. I don't feel the urge to sniff Coke, Dr. Pepper or any of my other favorites. Yep. I definitely don't sniff Coke. ;-)
Oh wait...is that 6? Oh well. Good enough. I think I'm supposed to tag 5 people, but most of my journal pals have done this one. Sara S? Andrea...you don't do MeMes, right? Kim, if you were still keeping your journal I'd love to see how you respond to this. LOL Holly? Stacy?
Posted by Becky at 2:59 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
...well, actually she did. But I didn't believe her. Mother has a tendency to exaggerate.
No, Tyler isn't giving you all the finger. He is sadly showing off his bandaged digit because not only did he get a prick in the finger for blood work today at the doctor, he also had to have 2 shots. Poor kid has had a REALLY rough day.
My day started at 5:30 this morning when I woke to the sound of beeping in the hallway. It was the carbon monoxide detector. Once I had swallowed my heart back down into my chest, I realized one of the cats had knocked it out of the socket in the wall. I read a few journals then decided to try and go back to sleep once my heart rate returned to normal. I also decided to turn off my alarm clock. With how much Ty was rolling around, I figured he would wake at any moment.
Fast forward. Tyler wakes at 9:10am. That is 10 minutes AFTER he is supposed to be AT school. Ooops. The crying started immediately. He wanted to stay home (he really hates to be rushed and was resisting eating, washing, dressing...plus he knew he was going to the doctor today.) Drop off at school was a really ugly scene. He threw himself to the floor sobbing hysterically and begging me to take him home. *sigh*
It felt like I barely arrived back home only to turn around to pick him up again. His substitute teacher informed me that he hadn't touched his lunch. (I don't care for how his sub is handling the class...but that is a topic for a rant post at another time.) Time for a swing through the McDonalds drive-thru.
Things were quiet until 3pm when I announced it was time to get ready to go. Another hysterical meltdown and we were off. Did I tell you all that John just changed jobs again? More on that later. New job means yet another change in insurance. We don't have our cards yet. Luckily that didn't turn into a big stinkin deal (honey? We need to fax a copy of both sides of our new card to the doc's office ASAP, FYI.)
Tyler's doctor is super nice, but we always have a loooong wait in the exam room. Ty would periodically well up with tears and ask, yet again, if he was getting a shot today. I distracted him by making a trip to the potty. It's always fun peeing in new toilets. Ty likes to try them out where ever we go. The doc finally arrived, gave Ty a nice thorough exam, pronounced him terrific, and then said he was getting 2 shots AND a blood test, vision test and eye test. Oh, and could I get him to pee in a cup? *sigh* No go. I wish someone had told me they wanted that when I asked where the restroom was at the check in desk.
Ty did a great job on his vision chart. I should have told them he could use a standard chart with letters (since he knows them) but they used a chart with pict-o-grams instead. It was fine. The hearing test hasn't changed since I had one, like, 34 years ago. Headphones and raise your hand when you hear a beep. Pretty standard.
Then came the blood test (prick in the finger) and 2 shots. Poor Ty just sobbed and sobbed. I felt so bad for him. TWO HOURS had passed by the time we got out of there. It was dark. And rush hour had begun. A normally 10 minute drive took us 30 minutes to get home. Ty fell asleep. I don't blame him. I just wanted to go to sleep too. This day just wore me out!!
I did get to see some lovely Christmas lights on the way home. I think we'll take an evening drive this weekend.
Posted by Becky at 7:25 PM
Monday, December 12, 2005
I've added a new doohickey to my side nav area...
One of those FeedBlitz signup forms.
In case you don't care for BlogLines and you want to get an email alert when I post something new in here, just drop your email addy into the form over on the right and click the SUBSCRIBE ME button. I gotta make things easy on my tribe, right?
Now I've just gotta figure out why my side nav menu has gone AWOL again. *sigh* Just scroll down if you don't see anything on the right. LOL
Posted by Becky at 2:04 PM
The holidays tend to bring out both the best and the worst in me. Joy and wonder join hand in hand with depression and stress. What I hope for is something to tip the balance toward the joy and wonder side. My immediate family (John and Tyler) go a long way toward helping in this. And then there is my chosen family...
I heard a great quote on one of my favorite TV shows tonight that just said it all.
"There is an old proverb that says - You can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you and like them, or not; love them, or not; understand them, or not; you cope.
Then there's the school of thought that the family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you until you are ready to go out into the world and find YOUR TRIBE."
I choose the second school of thought. The line to apply for my new tribe starts over there. Love me and my family? You're in. Welcome to the tribe. Dinner tomorrow is hamburger helper and spinach. Pull up a chair.
I love you Kim! Love you Karen! Love you Aria! Love you Joanne! Yes, Pam. I love you too. All my journal friends? You guys are the best. Welcome to the tribe too.
From this perspective, I'm blessed with the best family of all. My chosen family.
Posted by Becky at 3:18 AM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Looks like Christmas may have it's own form of stress. Turns out my BIL/SIL have found my old AOL blog. I had a feeling it would happen eventually. I haven't said anything in there that I wouldn't say to their face, given the opportunity. But I guess they took extreme exception to my post about my feeling when I found out they were having a girl. I stated right in the post that I knew my feelings were borderline insane, but I couldn't help the thoughts in my head at the time. My journal has always been my place to vent my insanity and clear my head.
So now they are saying we will never be invited to their home again and they will never come here. What I want to know is...how is that different from them never inviting us over and never accepting our invitations?? LOL It's a matter of semantics.
Oh well. They can't help their feelings any more than I can. They took what I wrote the wrong way. John is trying to send them a note explaining where my head was at but I know it won't make a difference. They were just looking for an excuse to cut off all ties with us. It's a shame Tyler will lose the relationship with his cousins. He loves them so much, but he hardly ever saw them as it was. What can we do. They don't like me or how I live. I envy them for what they have, material possession wise, but I don't think their marriage is as strong as ours and I don't think they are as happy as we are. So it just goes to show, it doesn't matter what you have, if it doesn't make you happy, you have nothing. (And if they read this... Guys? You may argue that you are just as happy as we are, but how can you be when BIL, you work 12 hour days and only see your wife and kids on the weekend? How else can a person interpret you working those kinds of hours except that you don't want to be at home and your family is not your priority. Making money and your job is.)
John just read the note he wrote to his brother out loud to me and I have to say...it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He really DOES see what has been going on for the last 15 years and he really understands. I always thought he was just supporting my madness because that's just the kind of man he is (great husband, always looks out for his family, puts us first before anything else). But he has seen and understood everything that has gone on between us and them. It's really a great feeling knowing I'm not crazy or just hyper sensitive.
They have cut ties with us and I am fine with that. I no longer have to stress over my appearance, where I sit, what I say, how I eat... I don't have to feel like everything I do is being looked at under a microscope and criticized for every minor infraction in the rules of social conduct. No more worrying about if I forgot to do something that my SIL will take as a personal insult and a deliberate malicious act. I'm not malicious. I'm just ditzy and forgetful!
Ah well. They don't like it when I talk about them in my blog, so this will be the last time I mention them. I am also making my old blog private. I won't archive my entries about them over here. I'll just print them for my hard copy binder and for posterity.
Just remember folks...it's not what a person looks like or anything superficial; it's what is on the INSIDE that counts.
Posted by Becky at 1:52 AM
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Tyler went to see Santa today to tell him the Christmas wish list. I was thrilled to see NO LINE when we arrived at Little Professor Book Center. I had a feeling it would be a much more low key event than bringing Tyler to see the Mall Santa (always a zoo and very overwhelming).
Tyler had Santa all to himself for about 10 minutes before another child arrived. Ty was able to really talk with Santa and discuss what he hoped to get for Christmas. I was so proud of him! Other than when he was a baby and didn't know any better, this is the first year Tyler has approached Santa on his own without us, er, strongly encouraging him with a firm shove forward. Ha!
Santa said farewell with a bag of magic reindeer food (so cute! a baggy of oats with glitter mixed in) and some candy canes. Tyler got to pick out a new puzzle and a couple books before we headed for home. We still aren't 100%, but are feeling much better today.
We got hit with about 10 inches of snow yesterday and Tyler is itching to get out in it. Hopefully the snow pants I ordered from Junonia arrive soon and we are all kootie free. I love playing in the snow.
Posted by Becky at 4:58 PM
Thursday, December 08, 2005
All the humans in this house are icky sick right now. I'm on antibiotics for an upper respiratory infection. John sounds like he is on the brink of losing his voice. Tyler...poor Tyler. He woke up last night throwing up; and in the process of coming out into the family room to look for us, he left a trail of throw up all the way down the hall. He was covered. His bed was covered. The floor by his bed. His pillow. As I was following this unsavory trail back with paper towels and carpet cleaner in hand, it suddenly hit me how far I've come in my life in my ability to deal with minor catastrophes like this. When I was younger, just the SOUND of someone being sick would make me gag, never mind the smell.
Gross, I know. But I am now able to clean up both cat and human upchuck and my dinner stays put. Considering how sensitive I used to be, that is a pretty amazing thing. Hopefully we'll all be back to normal soon. Ty has missed a week and a half of school in the last 2 weeks.
Onto a more positive (less disgusting) topic! For a few years now, I've been keeping my eyes open for the perfect kid-friendly Advent (or countdown) calendar for us to mark the days left until Christmas. I had a feeling that Tyler would love revealing daily surprises and sticking and/or hanging them onto ... something. I saw fabric wall hangings with velcro doodads in numbered pouches. Nice, but not exactly what I wanted. I saw poster sized paper calendars with little "doors" to lift open and reveal a picture or piece of chocolate. Not bad, but they were really only good for one year. I wanted something we could use over and over.
Then I spotted these pretty wooden ones, free standing with little drawers for each day of December. One I saw was magnetic. (Getting better!) THEN I saw it. It was a free-standing Christmas tree on a festive painted pedestal. The pedestal/stand was octagonal shaped with little doors all around marked with the days. Each door held a little ornament that would hang from pegs all around the tree and the entire table-top wood sculpture swiveled on its base like a lazy susan. I was in love!
Then I looked at the price. *gasp* $70. Yikes. So I did my usual internet comparison shopping research. I finally found it (and bought it) off Ebay for $40. Yay me! And sure enough, Tyler has been really looking forward each day to opening a new door, unwrapping the little ornament inside (each is wrapped in tissue) and then hanging it from a peg on the tree. The size of it was a nice surprise too. It's much bigger than I expected. It looks fab on my living room coffee table.
I expect we'll enjoy this little Advent Tree for many years to come.
Posted by Becky at 6:00 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Just got home from our super fun trip to Great Wolf Lodge in PA. What a beautiful place! We arrived on the first day of "SnowFest" - their winter/Christmas celebration. My jaw dropped to my chest and my eyes actually welled up with tears when I got my first glimpse of the lobby. Talk about a wintry fairy land! It was the stuff of my childhood dreams...right down to the piece of the North Pole and Santa's special ice throne (occupied by one of his reindeer when we arrived).
A band was playing live Christmas music, there was a roaring fire in the 3 story tall fireplace, people were drinking eggnog and hot cider while watching their kids visit with Rudolph...and then reality came crashing down as I had Tyler whining in one ear that he wanted to swim and John in the other ear bitching about the noise and crowds. *sigh* I swore if their attitudes didn't improve, next time I'll go back there with someone ELSE (Kim! You'll go with me, right?)
By lunch time the next day, the boys' moods had improved considerably. Tyler had a ball spending his birthday at the water park. We had a great dinner too. The look on Ty's face was priceless as the waitstaff sang their funny birthday song to him. Unfortunately, my head cold was getting steadily worse. It was a bad idea for me to go swimming, but I had to get in and play with Ty too. The park was WAY too fun to miss just because of a little coughing and sniffling, right? I'm paying for it today. But it was still worth it!
I really wanted to go on the big water slides, but I hesitated. My weight is always on my mind and never more so than when there are amusement parks involved. "Will I fit? Can I fasten the belt? Will I be forced to exit the ride because I exceed the limit? Will it be like that Simpson's episode when Homer got wedged in the tube of the water slide?" Ya know. I'm going to try my damnedest to be thinner for our next visit. Maybe by then Tyler will want to go on the slides WITH me.
Tyler's favorite thing from this weekend? The Whoopee Cushion he got with his prize tickets from the arcade. Boys and their fart noises...the amusement is endless. Photos from the week end can be seen here.
Posted by Becky at 6:01 PM