Sunday, December 11, 2005

Cutting the Ties that Bind

Looks like Christmas may have it's own form of stress. Turns out my BIL/SIL have found my old AOL blog. I had a feeling it would happen eventually. I haven't said anything in there that I wouldn't say to their face, given the opportunity. But I guess they took extreme exception to my post about my feeling when I found out they were having a girl. I stated right in the post that I knew my feelings were borderline insane, but I couldn't help the thoughts in my head at the time. My journal has always been my place to vent my insanity and clear my head.

So now they are saying we will never be invited to their home again and they will never come here. What I want to know is...how is that different from them never inviting us over and never accepting our invitations?? LOL It's a matter of semantics.

Oh well. They can't help their feelings any more than I can. They took what I wrote the wrong way. John is trying to send them a note explaining where my head was at but I know it won't make a difference. They were just looking for an excuse to cut off all ties with us. It's a shame Tyler will lose the relationship with his cousins. He loves them so much, but he hardly ever saw them as it was. What can we do. They don't like me or how I live. I envy them for what they have, material possession wise, but I don't think their marriage is as strong as ours and I don't think they are as happy as we are. So it just goes to show, it doesn't matter what you have, if it doesn't make you happy, you have nothing. (And if they read this... Guys? You may argue that you are just as happy as we are, but how can you be when BIL, you work 12 hour days and only see your wife and kids on the weekend? How else can a person interpret you working those kinds of hours except that you don't want to be at home and your family is not your priority. Making money and your job is.)

John just read the note he wrote to his brother out loud to me and I have to say...it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He really DOES see what has been going on for the last 15 years and he really understands. I always thought he was just supporting my madness because that's just the kind of man he is (great husband, always looks out for his family, puts us first before anything else). But he has seen and understood everything that has gone on between us and them. It's really a great feeling knowing I'm not crazy or just hyper sensitive.

They have cut ties with us and I am fine with that. I no longer have to stress over my appearance, where I sit, what I say, how I eat... I don't have to feel like everything I do is being looked at under a microscope and criticized for every minor infraction in the rules of social conduct. No more worrying about if I forgot to do something that my SIL will take as a personal insult and a deliberate malicious act. I'm not malicious. I'm just ditzy and forgetful!

Ah well. They don't like it when I talk about them in my blog, so this will be the last time I mention them. I am also making my old blog private. I won't archive my entries about them over here. I'll just print them for my hard copy binder and for posterity.

Just remember folks...it's not what a person looks like or anything superficial; it's what is on the INSIDE that counts.

17 comments:

Karen Funk Blocher said...

That is the foreseeable consequence of writing about family conflict stuff, I'm afraid. Still, as you say, it's not that big a difference from the way things were before. I do think you were probably a little irrational on the pregnancy thing, but it's clear that these people have never been kind or fair or reasonable toward you. The heck with them - and hooray for John!

Karen

Celeste said...

Hoorayyyyyy.

Bloglines is not posting any of the blogspot alerts.

Donna said...

Celeste is right, bloglines isn't showing new posts. Anyway, about this entry: I've found in my almost 40 years of marriage that I can survive anything as long as I have my husband's support and approval. You obviously have the support of your man; you'll be fine.

alphawoman said...

I worry about Joe's family reading my blog because I am in a similar situation as your were. It is not right for you to feel so uncomfortable around them, measuring yourself by their standards. But family is family, the good and the bad.

Did not realize Bloglines was messing up with the posts. I thought things were awfully quiet!

Astaryth said...

I remember reading that post.. and you didn't say anything terrible soooo... phhhht! Who needs 'em? Sounds like it won't really change anything but your stress level, so look on the bright side I say... Your Hubby knows how it is, and that's all that really matters!
Adventures of an Eclectic Mind

poetmom said...

Well excuse you for being human.:) Anyone else in your situation would feel the same if not similar. You have the nads to share how you feel. That's why I like reading your journal. I read that post and you were just venting, you weren't being hateful. There's no law that says family members "have" to like one another.
p.s. Will update my journal soon. Still waiting for baby to pop out.ugh.

Steph

Stacy-Lynn said...

Ahhh screw you BIL/SIL...I kinda think it funny that she knows exactly how you feel about her lame ass anyways. I say good riddance. Those people suck anyways. I remember that entry...nothing wrong with what you said.

Stacy

Unhinged said...

I'm sorry, Becky.

And while it might seem hurtful and traumatic right now to be cut off from BIL and SIL, in the long run I think you might find that you'll be much more content without having to endure what you did because they WERE in your life. You've said it time and again yourself: they didn't like you, didn't make a secret of it, and you never cared for them.

Minimize and simpify. That's my new motto. Yeah, family is good. Except when it isn't.

It's hard, believe me I know how difficult it is, but we have to learn how to like ourselves well enough that it won't matter (for long) when someone else doesn't like us.

Hang in there. Know your worth. Never, ever forget it.

Shari said...

(((Becky)))
The post that you made wasn't hurtful and given the circumstances it wasn't irrational either. Your feelings are yours, what you are entitled to have. If anything I think that bil/sil have been rude, uncompassionate, stuck up people. I am sorry that Tyler will not have his cousins, but coming form a dysfunctional family myself, you learn that friends can be better family then family can. Did this make sense, lol :)
Chin up girlfriend!

Laura said...

amen and amen!
you have such a treasure in that man of yours.
hugs!

Sie said...

Ahh family. Don't ya just luv them? not. So glad to hear your hubby stands by you in this.

lisa jo said...

Well no wonder it went private suddenly. Its a shame that they are so maliious and judgmental..i just told my friend Howard yesterday that anyone judgmental in my life is being cut off. So, there comes all my family. I am so glad John is so supportive. Your SIL & BIL have lost a hell of an intelligent and loving friend in you.
Hugs, lisa

Two Write Hands said...

Kudos to hubby--and you for picking him! ;)

Sara said...

Anyone with an ounce of feeling would have read that entry and understood where you were coming from. Some people just want to see bad in everything. I'm glad that you won't have to deal with them in the future, and that your John knows everything that has gone on. He's a good guy, you two deserve each other ;o)
Sara x

amy said...

They are some nasty-ass folks...
I'm glad John is in your corner:)
Happy to be part of your tribe too :) :)

BoiseLadie said...

Dear, dear Becky! You are a wonderful person, wife and mother...the BIL/SIL haven't a clue. Their loss. I am so sorry this has happened, as I know you would do anything to have a wonderful extended family relationship... big and happy. I know from my own experience, you just cannot make anyone or everyone happy, you just have to make you happy and your own little family will be the better for it. That's all the counts. I always tell my guy, all I care about is our little family, what's in our little house, the rest can just figure it out without us if they do not like us. Hang in there, you're doing fine!

BoiseLadie said...

p.s.
I'm so so happy that you have a man that stands behind you! Way to go John!