Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Insanity 101



For those of you out there who are struggling to lose weight; have you ever gone out to eat and you watch while a pretty, thin person at another table digs into a wickedly sinful dessert and you think to yourself - "Oh man, I just hate them."

Or you are sitting on the beach and a girl in a bikini with a perfect figure walks by and you think, "I hate you!"

Of course, you don't REALLY hate them. Maybe you just really really dislike them a whole lot. But do you really? Well...maybe YOU do. But I don't. No. The person I really really dislike a whole lot is ME.

No. Really I HATE me. With a white hot passion. I mean really. Who would want to be me? No one looks at me and thinks, "God I hate you...I wish I were as large as you are. I wish I were infertile. I wish I needed a hysterectomy. I wish I had chronic pain from a debilitating disease. I wish I suffered from depression. I wish I had no friends close by to lean on or do things with. I wish I were physically incapable of maintaining my home in a pristine and neat fashion." OK. Maybe a few women (and men) might think, "I wish I had HER husband and child." But that is about all I have going for me.

So who do I turn to when I want to work through all the insanity rolling around in my head? I can't talk to my parents. They agree with the insane me inside my head. I SHOULD hate myself. No one can love themselves when they look the way I do. My parents are ashamed of me and lie to their friends about me to hide the truth.

I have a couple of friends who live far away. I can talk to them, but they have heard it all before and they have big problems of their own to overcome.

So I turn to the one outlet where I know I can work thought my internal insanity. I write it all down and work through it with words. I get the insanity OUT of my head, into black and white, where I can read it with the rational side of my brain. An added bonus are the handful of kindly stranger friends who happen by, read my insane drivel, and sympathize. They understand this insanity. They relate to it. They write about it too.

Now, one of my random rants that had a "God, I hate her..." theme has been taken completely out of context, taken LITERALLY, read and completely misunderstood and then used as a weapon to rip apart what little happiness I had left in my miserable life. They didn't get the whole "I hate her...no I hate MEEEEEE" thing at all. Why? Because it's impossible to understand self-loathing when you and your life are perfect. It's impossible to give me the benefit of the doubt when all you see when you look at me is someone not worth knowing because I am disgustingly fat, seemingly lazy, seemingly slovenly...someone you have already decided is worthless.

I'm not supposed to blog about stuff like this anymore. I was told to be more generic. I can't name names. I can't put my insane rantings in a public forum...I need to censor myself. I don't know if I can do that and still derive benefit from my formerly therapeutic outlet. John told me to start a private blog. I've tried to have multiple blogs in the past. It doesn't work. After a couple entries, they fall by the wayside. This main blog is just that. My main blog. My primary. My place to write everything and anything about where life has taken me.

Innocents are being hurt over this misunderstanding. I hate myself even more (and I didn't think that was possible).

Maybe tomorrow I can stop crying and try to post something cheerful. Something worth reading. Something that can't be misconstrued, twisted and thrown in my face in a glorious "Ah HA! I knew she was worthless..." moment.

I hate me. It sucks to be me. Thank God a couple people love me anyway (but I have no idea why.)

22 comments:

jennifer said...

Usually when I see that skinny bitch dig into a fudge sundae, I say, I hate that bitch. Or when a size sixer whines about "being fat." I say shut up bitch.

That's what I say.

But you're right. It's definitely more my feelings of inadequacy than any hatred toward someone I don't know. Envy, perhaps. Kinda like I envy you, because you're one fabulous mom, doing the hardest job in the universe.

And Becky, one of the things that was so freeing for me moving over here was that I finally rid myself of the need to self-censor my words out of fear for other's feelings. Once again I understood the concept of "writing for ME."

You are important. And you have the right to have feelings and emotions and to let them out. You cannot be responsible because someone cannot or will not read between the lines to understand the true point you're trying to make.

(((Becky)))

Cynthia said...

((((((((Becky))))))))
From someone who knows those feelings you describe intimately, I can only tell you that I wish you peace. The I hate them/hate me's can tear you up inside. You're a wonderful person, an incredible mother, and you're beautiful. However you resolve your blogging problems, censoring yourself to the point that you lose the honesty with yourself won't help. We all need a place to be real.

Sie said...

Does it help to read other people blogs going through the same thing? If so, then keep writing the insanity....

And, NOBODY has that 'perfect life.' NOBODY.

poetmom said...

I understand how you feel when it comes to self loathing and not having anyone to lean on. Ugh. I'm glad you vent in your journal. It makes you human and real.
I know you from your journal only and the last thing that comes to my mind is "worthless". I think of extremely smart, witty, big hearted, good momma and wife...I could go on and on. You could lose all the weight you wanted, but you're still going to be the same Becky inside and you have SO much to offer this world, whether you believe that or not.:)I'm sorry your parents think of you as they do. Sounds like they made the mistake of having their own (unreal) expectations of you and set it up for their own disappointment. If I could, I'd let them know what a wonderful person I thought you turned out to be.:)
Of all the judgements your SIL/BIL made toward you? That you found in your heart to get thru? And she's going to hold on to what you put in your journal? Looks like you come out of that one the better person.
Start the new year out taking good care of yourself girl. If people can't support and build you up...tell them they need to go away for awhile.

Steph

Chris said...

It hurt to read this, knowing this is how you feel. You can love yourself regardless of how you look. I encourage you to get the book Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Branden and read the chapters on self-acceptance. It will help you immensely.

Chris
My Blog
My BigOven Page for food & recipes

Astaryth said...

Everyone has those feelings... feelings that they aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or.... whatever. And, you look at others and think they have it better... but, the truth is that everyone has problems. Just remember that you are SPECIAL! It's easier for an outsider to see the good in you than for you. It's human nature to concentrate on the things we don't like about ourselves. I say if writing about it helps you.. then keep on writing!

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}} I know it is only a cyberhug, but I hope it helps!
Adventures of an Eclectic Mind

lisa jo said...

Becky, i have no idea what has happened but let me tell you and you better listen: I UNDERSTAND YOU. I look in the mirror and gasp. I am so f^%king fat, Becky. Gross fat, gut hang fat, double chin, black circle under my eyes, wish i would dissolve fat. I get you. When i think of YOU i dont think of some fat infertile woman at all. I mean that. But when others give me a compliment i want to smack them.If i hate me, no one else can like me.
Please know you ARE important...to your son, John and also, truly, to me. You are BEAUTIFUL, caring, loving and so so so smart. WONDEROUS writer. I am here if you would need me.
Love, lisa jo

TJ said...

Ahhhh, I am sorry to read this yet I must admit I feel very much the same way. I over heard my mom say during the Holidays..."Oh yes she was always so tiny!' YUK!!!
I plan to take it off..one pound at a time!
Starting Monday!And I am not calling it a Diet either!
Join me...we can motivate each other.
The Grand Chubbet TJ~

Sara said...

Becky, ((((()))))'s hon. I get what you mean, I really do. I hate myself too, see myself as a freak, big and fat, too tall and awkward around people. I spend most of my time inside my house, with my boys that know me and love me. I only feel the freak thing when I'm away from here.
Sara x

Gail in MN said...

Please don't stop being completely honest in your journal writing. Your friends here care about you and see, through your writing, what a beautiful person you are. All of us have moments (or hours or days or years...) of self-loathing.
Please keep writing about YOU.

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Okay, look. You can listen to the nasty weasel in your head, the callous, mean, crappy relatives, and the unreal tv-fed standards that say you must be a thin superwoman. In other words, you can listen to people and things that you *know* to be wrong, unfair, slanted against you, that set up impossible standards and slam you for not conforming.

OR

You can listen to the people who love you, and the ones who like and respect you, and the part of yourself that knows how to be both rational and compassionate. These are the people you yourself love and like and respect, right? Isn't Tyler's opinion of your more important and valuable and true than SIL's? Isn't the opinion of others who struggle with weight, or infertility, or both, more valuable than that of someone who hasn't a clue what it's like? Isn't Rational Becky a better companion to your thoughts than Insane Self-Loathing Becky?

You know the answer. Start treating yourself like the good, smart, talented, loving, worthwhile person you are, or I shall be very angry.

Karen

Donna said...

You know, throughout my life, at least 3/4 of my favorite people have been overweight: My mom, my aunts and uncles, my husband and my children. For health reasons I'd love for them all to lose weight. But they are beautiful as they are. A skinny sister-in-law once quoted Dr. Phil here at my house, saying, "Anyone who is fat is fat because they WANT to be." Cliff was embarrassed at how I tore into her skinny little ass, because I know that's a lie; yes, I raised my voice. Until she's walked in someone else's shoes, she doesn't have a clue what causes their problems.

I'm sorry for your family troubles, but my dear, many of us see your lovely soul. We see you beautiful. And so does God. Please look at yourself through our eyes. You are a spirit, first and foremost. You have a soul. You are only temporarily living in that body; and, skinny or fat, it's going to wear out and get wrinkled with time, and finally give up, and free that lovely spirit.

Magogo's Musings, too said...

oh, Becky, I know exactly where you are, and all about self-hatred and the struggle to go on through daily life when everyonre thinks, well, if she'd just use some self-control...
I don't think it has much to do with self control, because most of us have self control in other aspectg of our lives(we don't beat our kids, we wait patiently in line at the grocery store)I think it truly is am illness-like depression-and should be treated as such.
As for not writing how you feel-please, please, don't censor yourself to please others. Be your self, for you are lovable and loved, even from a far.
Would you be so kind as to e-mail me your phone number-I am very lonely, too. Margo

Trish said...

Becky, you are the keeper of your own worth. There will always be others who don't 'get' you. Their reactions are theirs. Give them back to them. Remember those who do get you. That's the reflection you deserve. Surround yourself by like-hearted folks who understand and support all that you are. Even this, the scary stuff, the demons, the inner-self-hate. Without expressing it, there's no way for it to be healed. All parts of you are valid and important.

For the record, I never once thought any of those about you. Those are yours. Embrace that place in you so you can release it.

Much love and support Becky. I hear you.

Stacy-Lynn said...

I "ditto" everyone so far.

Your entry has me thinking about myself (selfish I know). I say that because you just said everthing I think in my heart about myself. I have been struggling with this too.

I have no friends here so I can understand the longing to have people around you.

You couldn't be more wrong about yourself Becky. Honestly. The beauty about the internet friendhsips you have made is this...we love you for who you are. We love you because you are a wonderful momma. Welove you because you are the wife wish all wish we could be. We love you because you are beautiful, inside and out. We love you because you are real You speak from the heart. We love you because you have good days and bad days. We love you because you are beyond smart. We love you for YOU! I don't want you to chnage. I don't want you to stop writing from the heart.
My own mother told me to my face while she was here that I am fat and when my hubby told her I am not fat she told him to shut up and stop candy coating it or I would never do anything about it. He just about bitch slapped her. Screw your parents, your BIL/SIL, and anyone else who can't see what I see so clearly...A beautiful, smart, witty, caring, thoughtful, kind person who deserves to be loved.

I love you.

Please, keep doing what you are doing and be yourself. Take good care of yourself and don't sweat the small stuff. You have a beautiful life and you have more friends here than most people can count on their hands and feet in real life ( skinny bitches included)!

I think you are great and your value as a friend to me is immeasurable.

Stacy

V said...

Becky, this is your journal. Post anything you please.
There are many of us here who value you highly.I hope you can take comfort in that.
You also have a loving husband & child. That`s very important and something that most people would envy.
Hugs,
V

hestiahomeschool said...

You have my home phone number and can call me anytime, you know that, I hope.

I felt alone this past month a lot, but finally last week broke down and reached out and I have been supported.

My surgery was a gawd awful experience...don't be in a hurry for a hysterectomy! And I do envy you your beautiful boys. :-)

You are beautiful, a goddess...you just need to remember that. :-)

Jod{i} said...

Becky having lived with an eating disorder and a very low low self esteem and opinion of myself and battling it, I can so relate to what you say in this entry. I found I am the worst at the inside chatter when it comes to comparing myself to others...FORGETTING all the 'things' that I am good at that they may not be...Finding out that those 'things' made me a better person per se.
What I see in the Mirror is not an actual or accurate representation of what others see. I have come to terms with this, had to.
It has been a long long road...Yet it came to a head for many reasons..Yet I learned, the hard way, that being thin or being this or that...didnt change ME or who I was on the inside. It is just an outward covering. All those dreams as a heavy little girl, that I thought would come true? Were based on the superficial.
To have someone befriend me, love me(or say they did) because of the way I appeared to them? Pfft...
And no I am not 'cured', it is a life long endeavor I am sure, although I keep hoping I could wake up one morning, just one and look in the mirror and be okay with it.
Writing helped me through it. Still does. And connecting with healthy friendships. By writing this entry, I would say you have begun this journey. Bravo. It is your journal. You do as you please. For you. DOnt disclaim your own feelings...get it out. Writing made it concrete for me, I believe that is what helped.
You do what you have to do...From what I have read so far? You have a nice network going here...
Sorry if I stepped out...Just wanted to let you know You are not alone.
Peace
Jodi

Shari said...

(((Becky))) I am so very sorry that you are feeling so down! I would not skip writing what you feel for the sake of others! That is the beauty of journaling! Honestly sometime relative really suck! Its so much nicer when you can pick you friends! We have stopped spending alot of time with certain family members because they are just plain mean!
(((HUGS))) to you!

Vivian said...

{{{{{Becky}}}}},
I struggle with weight issues so I can relate somewhat. I'm pretty sure I'm a bigger girl than you are. While I'm not happy with the weight I continue to put on, I've not reached a state of hating myself and I hope you loose that feeling before you loose a single pound! Many schools of thought say that you have to love yourself first....it might make it easier to accomplish the improvements you want to make.

I hope that 2006 proves to be a year that you can see some success in weight loss and self love. My Mark is putting himself on a diet effective Jan 1st. I'm giving myself an extra day and starting Jan 2nd.

One thing I hope you know is that there are many people here in the blogsphere who care a lot about you. Some of us may not express it but we feel it. There were times when I really felt charged by our blognchatlbsaway mini group. Do you think if we really committed ourselves to an effort like that again that we'd be able to help each other? Do you think K., W., D. and S. are still out there struggling too?

Vivian

AlbGlinka said...

Becky: I see what you mean about the comment tally! ;-) (gotta keep the humor sometimes!)

I related to some of what you've written here, although I have to say, I've tried recently to consciously work on that voice that says "I hate him/her." To stop it dead in its tracks. In the recovery work I'm doing, that kind of ugly stuff can be chipped away at each day by focusing on gratitude for the things I DO have in my life. Some days this is easier than others, I must admit!

As others have said, you obviously have a lot! A loving husband and family, and also many great personal qualities that come across in all your words and photos. I hope you'll remember that and look for all the ways it shows up in your life. hugs, Albert

BoiseLadie said...

Ahhh, (((((Becky)))))... Family... We cannot choose our family. We get what we get with them. You know, I went away for Christmas this year, just so I would not be here for the repeat of "family insults" from last year. The events of last year are still so raw with pain, there was no way I could handle another round of that. I totally understand you and your feelings, I've been there and am still there. You need to be able to be honest with yourself, able to write your true feelings without censor, to be true to you. It's your integrity, your selfworth. No one can tell you what you can or should write in YOUR journal. It's yours! Keep it yours.

Now, about that cruise... hmmm? I'm interested! Let's talk...