How To Flunk English
October 24, 1982
The many ways to aid you in flunking English come under two basic subjects: flunking at school and flunking at home. Flunking at school is relatively easy. In the area of class participation, there is one basic rule to follow - never raise your hand and always say you do not know the answer when your English teacher calls on you. The second area is class work. Have several excuses ready if your teacher catches you not taking notes or day dreaming (spacing out) in class. For example, when you are caught not taking notes, tell your teacher that pens burn your hands because you are very sensitive. If he or she catches you day dreaming, tell him that you are into transcendental meditation...
Oh how I wish I'd continued that essay. It was left incomplete, sadly. I was hilarious! ;)
Edit: I found a finished copy deeper in the box! Continuing...
...for relaxation and you need to relax because of your frayed nerves. Additionally, listening for your teacher to say "um" or use other grammatical and speech errors while he/she is lecturing can help you to ignore the topic of his speech.
At certain times during the school year, your teacher will pass out an object called a "test". Avoid writing anything on this at all costs. Naturally, after a certain amount of time, your teacher will ask you to stop by after school to discuss your difficulties with him. Do not avoid this meeting. On the contrary, go see him/her and be prepared to be very confused and stupid (on purpose, of course.) This way you can complain to your parents about the communication problem you have with your teacher.
At home, flunking English can be relatively simple. When you go home either never take your text book home, or don't open it if you do. Studying for a test or going over your notes (hopefully you will not have any notes) is the wrong thing to do. Asking your parents for help with your English homework IS a sure way to get everything wrong. Parents have not been to school in such a long time that they do not remember half the things they are supposed to know.
If you do bring home your English book by accident, you can still put it to good use. Use it as a plate for your onion and garlic sandwich while you work hard on your algebra homework.