Sunday, August 21, 2005

Crisis



Boy and his Kitty



Check this out...from the right angle the flash illuminates Sparty's stripes, but from the front/top view, he seems almost solid gray. Interesting, no?



Sparty has settled into Tyler's room nicely and seems to prefer KMR brand kitten formula to Mother's Helper brand. He has grown larger every day too. It's amazing how swiftly they seem to change at this stage. John and Tyler paid a visit to PetSmart today and picked out some cool new toys, feeding dishes and a splat mat for the little guy. Ty fell in love with one of the kitten balls and decided to keep it for himself, for now. He went to bed with it. How cute is that?


He told me today he was angry with me. When I asked why he said, "You don't spend time with me any more, you are always spending time with Sparty!" Oh dear. I tried to explain that Sparty was just a baby and needed a lot of attention but I could tell my reasoning skills need some work. If Ty is feeling neglected with a new kitten around...imagine how it will be with a new baby?!


After sleeping a good portion of the day away while John went on kitten duty, I am feeling rested but still depressed...so now I know it's not just sleep deprivation affecting me. It's more a motherhood crisis, I guess. I found myself sobbing into Sparty's fur late last night. My mind was revisiting the hurt my SIL and BIL dealt me a few months ago over their anti-fat attitudes. Plus the fact that SIL is having a little girl has again crept into my mind...Tyler hasn't been seeing his cousins and he misses them greatly...and I find myself questioning my desire for more kids.


I want a little girl. I've always wanted a little girl. But have I really thought about what adding a new baby to our family will do to our routine? Our dynamic? Our lifestyle? To Tyler? Not really. The more I thought about all the things that could go wrong, the more scared and unsure I got. Then John added fuel to my doubts by pointing out a bunch of my shortcomings the other day and it really sent my spirits crashing into the dumps.


Now I'm thinking I shouldn't upset the status quo. I should just focus on Tyler and our little family, as is, and give up my dreams of having a little girl.


God. Just typing that last sentence has me crying. I know John has his little decision making process of going through all the negatives...ALL the negatives...and then he moves forward, after much deliberation, with his decision. But hearing all that negativity when I was so high on my decision...uh oh. MY decision to adopt from China. I never really consulted John when I changed gears. I just went and requested literature and announced my great idea to him a couple weeks ago.


Of course he thought it was a great idea too. But he still has his "process". He needs to think through all the negatives and counter-act them with courses of action before he can move forward. He's always done that.


He won't be able to help me with the new baby the way he did with Tyler. The demands of his current job won't allow it. He spent a MONTH at home with baby Tyler. We worked in shifts, taking turns to sleep. It was wonderful having him around so much. We were a real team.


Maybe the thought of doing this basically by myself is what's at the core of my fear and doubt. I'm feeling rather alone. I miss having John around the way he was in his job with HP...and when he was out of work for 11 months. Naturally he was around a TON then. I really cherish all that time we had together as a family.


Our new baby won't have that. No extended bonding time with daddy and no chance to rest for me. I don't know if I can handle it. And it's making me very very sad.


I am working through the thoughts in my head so I don't know if this entry will make much sense to anyone. But I do feel a bit better after typing it all out.

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