I've been in a downward spiral for a while now. Healthy habits have fallen by the wayside and my weight has slowly crept upward. It took a while for the family to start noticing the change in me. See, I don't broadcast my feelings much. I crawl deeper into my self, get quiet, retreat from the world slowly, eat poorly, sleep more...and the fog of depression gets thicker and thicker. Am I sad? I think so. But serious depression is more about the inability to feel...anything. I am moving through waist deep sludge, can't focus, everyday tasks seem so so hard, I am tired all the time and I just want to be left alone.
Rather hard when you have young people counting on you. I don't even get to use the bathroom alone most days.
Yes, humor is still my go-to way to try and lighten the oppressive cloud that surrounds me. I cherish every smile. Everything that manages to pull a laugh out of me. Laughter is in very short supply these days. When I heard the news about Robin Williams and most people reacted with "why" and "he was so great" and "he had everything to live for - despite the dire diagnosis on his future health" yadda yadda yadda...I just nodded to myself, cried, and understood.
The desire to just have it all stop. The world, demands, expectations, life, stress, and on and on - it can get to be too much for some. Is it a selfish act? I suppose. But some may argue that family/friends would be better off without the depressed person in their lives. Heck, I've had an angry teenager tell me that fairly often recently.
But I don't have time for this. I have a teen who might have pink eye but won't let me look at his eye a second time because I didn't see what he wanted me to the first time. I have an 8 year old who needs me to pick him up at school in 2 hours. I have to feed these small humans. I may have to do battle with autism yet again and convince the teen to see the eye doctor. I can't even get him to go to school or do any school or home work. He doesn't care if he repeats 7th grade (or so he says.) School is a waste of time. He is already in a special school environment...if they can't get him to do work (and they are trained to work with kids like my special teen) then how am I supposed to get him to perform? He's not a trained monkey. He will not be threatened, bribed, guilted, or begged into doing anything he doesn't want to do. Period.
I digress. I sit. I wallow. I dwell. I rehash. I despair. I sag. I hurt. I cry.