Saturday, May 18, 2013

Anxiety sucks...

It's been a rough week. No specific reason why...just a general sense of being overwhelmed and exhausted culminating in the arrival of Aunt Flo for the second time this month. OK! So maybe I do have some specific reasons why.

I had planned to take Max to a birthday party today. Sounds like no big deal, right? I've lost a lot of weight. I am feeling a little more confident in my ability to get from place to place. But I called this party place just to inquire if they were wheelchair accessible. Nope. The party room was on a second floor, no elevator. Just stairs. OK. I can do stairs most days.  I'm back to using my cane this week because I've been very wobbly. Is there a place for adults to sit? Sorta. They have a "side area" where they can "let you hang out."

I was already feeling sick, weak from blood loss, and generally overwhelmed. Then the panic attack hit. I haven't had one of those in AGES. My heart rate was through the roof, I couldn't breathe, I was seeing spots and I started to pant and cry. I felt very stupid for reacting that way. It's a silly kid's birthday party. If there was no where to sit (my back can't take long stretches of standing) then I'd just have to leave and come back later. But I didn't want to let Max down.

I tried to reason my way through it - telling myself all the alternatives I could do if this place wasn't going to be a comfortable one for me. It wasn't working. I didn't tell John how much I was freaking out, but I think he could tell. Even tho he'd already done baseball in the morning and taken the boys out for lunch, he said he'd do the party too. Maybe even the fair later, if he wasn't too tired.

Don't even get me started on the fair. Never been to this one or the place it's being held. NO IDEA if there are restrooms, places to sit, how crowded...there goes my brain again. I had planned to go. I really did want to! Really! I wanted to get pictures of Max on the rides. *sigh*

I'm at home. I didn't go. Too many unknowns and I was freaking out again. So I am fighting to get my physical health back. I think the mental health is going to take much much longer.

1 comment:

Donna H. said...

Wow! Been there too! Don't beat yourself up. It happens to more people than you realize. Do you take anything for the panic attacks? Great work on losing the weight! Things will continue to improve but if the anxiety doesn't, consider asking for medication. John is a great hubby! You are a great wife and mom! Hang in there!