Sunday, April 25, 2004
Did you ever feel like someone was trying to send you a message? Lately, I feel like everything I see on TV and everything I read is trying to tell me something. Duh! Of course they are telling me something. That is what books and TV do. But BEYOND the obvious. Underneath the surface...between the lines there is something else going on. A message is being sent that I have yet to fully receive and comprehend. Some of you reading this are already shaking your heads and deciding that I am just another kook on the net. No I do not hear voices in my head (just my own). No I don't think aliens are trying to contact me through my fillings. It's simply that I have been looking for something lately. There is a void in my life that I am just starting to notice. I guess I should start at the beginning.
I was raised Roman Catholic. Many painful experiences in my life lead me to question the purpose of organized religion; whether I was being told the whole truth, and whether the message I was receiving from the various priests and nuns I encountered in my lifetime was a "true" message. 1) Was I being taught the truth? 2) Or merely a watered down, biased and flawed version of truth. It didn't take long before I decided on the second of those two statements. I have seen nothing but continual proof of that fact in the 20 or so years since the time I first began questioning what I was hearing and learning.
"Ah", you say. "Another disgruntled Roman Catholic. One too many priests indicted for pedophilia or murder to suit your tastes?" No. Recent events in the church don't leave a very good taste in my mouth. But I have never believed in the "divinity" of the clergy. My parents always seemed to think that if you had "the calling" that somehow made you special. Closer to God, more holy, flawless and above petty human desires and needs...yeah, they really believe that! I, on the other hand, knew that priests and nuns were just men and women in not so attractive outfits with too much authority and an overly inflated sense of self-importance. Ouch! Blasphemy!
Let me pause and remind you that I am just words on a screen. Reading my thoughts will not send you to hell. These are the opinions and thoughts of one reasonably average american who reads a lot, sees a ton of movies and watches TV way more than is considered healthy. I am not a servant of satan, I do not seek to destroy the sanctity of the Catholic church and I am not looking to start my own cult or religion...yet.
To continue with a really lame cliché...I am on a journey of self-discovery. (Oh man, that looks worse on screen than it sounded in my head.) I have told a few people close to me that I am a seeker. Once again, there is something missing in my life and I am looking for it. I think that something has to do with faith, hope or religion. I need to find a faith or congregation of like-minded people to share my thoughts and feelings, talk about the odd things that I realized and think about, and get some unbiased feedback! I don't want the Bible shoved down my throat each week. (Yes, I have read it. Cover to cover, in fact. It's a book. I read books. It's one of the things I do very well.)
So back to the message. God is love and free-will is at work in all our lives. There you go. OK, it's not as simple as that. I can boil it down to that one line pretty easily, but there is WAY more to it. If you believe in pre-destination, I believe you are on the wrong path. God has no "plan" for you. There is nothing you were "meant to do" in this life. Your life is a gift and what you do with that gift is up to YOU. Hence the free-will part of the equation. The love part is what we all need to work on. The message I keep getting is to look behind the lines...in the Bible, in books, movies, TV and see the real inspiration. See that we are all missing the boat by taking things at face-value. There is a deeper truth. I want to stop wasting my life by trying to be and do those things I have been "trained" to do by my parents, church and past history. I want to stop and just enjoy the time I have. Do the things that give me real joy in life...read, watch TV, write, talk with friends, play with my son, love my Husband...and stop stressing over the less than perfect. I need to have faith in ME. And I need to share that faith and love with others. Too much time is being wasted on the meaningless. We have heard it all before. Stop and smell the roses, life is too short, ... you know the rest.
I think I have said enough here. I am still seeking. I know what I DON'T want, and that is a big step forward. Now I just have to find what I DO want. I'll know it when I see it. And I will keep you posted.