One year later!?

I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted. The sad thing is, I sat at my desk today to post about many of the same issues I talked about this time last year and if I hadn't just re-read my last post, I wouldn't have realized it. Nothing has changed. To be honest, the world has become a toxic and horrible place.

Let me start with some positive news. My eldest graduated high school. There were MANY bumps in the road but I made promises not to be as frank and open about the people closest to me anymore. Apparently everyone thinks I run my mouth too much. I have no friends so I don't know who my kid thinks I'm "gossiping" with. I used to post on Facebook once a day, but now if you see a post from me once a month, that's rare.

Max will be in 8th grade in the Fall. He is the sunshine in my days. He checks in on me, has long rambling conversations on any topic, and is still happy to hug his old mom. He is the reason I can get up in the morning.

We lost my sweet Mother in Law to Covid-19 in May. You may have heard about the pandemic. I will miss her greatly.

I was hospitalized for a week in early December of last year. Double pneumonia. I'm thankful it happened before the shit hit the fan in March. I have left the house only 4 times from January until yesterday. Yesterday all I did was get in my car, drive to someone's house where she loaded a graduation cake into my passenger seat and I passed her some cash through my partly open window.

To be honest, I won't go out unless it's just a short ride in my car and I don't have to actually get out or try to walk far. It's just too difficult.

Now why am I sitting at my desk at my gorgeous monitor, using my dust covered keyboard? I can type a lot of words faster. Poking one letter at a time on my tablet gets exhausting. I have so much I want to say but brain fog makes it very difficult to compost my thoughts. I'm also acutely aware that no one cares what I think and if my kids go back to read this one day...really, that's all I care about. That my boys know how much I love them, am proud of them, and hope they have happy lives.

But the way the world is...I don't see how that's going to be possible.  Empaths are struggling, y'all. All I see on Facebook, Twitter, everywhere is hate.

Virus, murders, riots, protests, men in control of our country who only have hate and greed in their hearts. 

I want to post something on my Facebook. I have a very small friend list. So small, that I am reluctant to unfriend anyone else these days. But I can't ignore all the hate!  In the last couple days, people I thought I knew have posted:

  1. A white supremacist rant about how stupid it is to have "black history month" or "pride parades" or "protests" and why can't white people have a month, or a parade or pride. Really?
  2. Negative memes saying it's better to save our economy than a bunch of old or disabled people.
  3. Posts against LGBTQ+ rights.
  4. Posts blaming left-leaning people for the virus or blaming "overly cautious" fake-news medical experts taking away their right to not wear face coverings.
  5. People whining about social distancing and not being able to go to the gym or a restaurant when we have family dying. Infection rates are still going UP and the worst states are the ones that opened public areas and beaches. Wake up, Florida and Texas!!!
  6. Hateful memes and comments about feminism, women, fat people, the disabled...There are some ableist shit talkers on my feed who are thin, healthy, and full of themselves thinking their genetic lottery win makes them experts to judge the lives of others.
  7. People who support our current president and Republicans in general who seem to be blind to all the toxic things they say and do. Money is NOT more important than people's lives!
  8. Racists. Wake up! Yes there is still a HUGE problem with racism in this country. System racism. Just today a facebook friend posted about "ghettos" and how dangerous they are and how all the troubles seem to start there and why do people choose to live a segregated life... Seriously??? You think people live in impoverished and dangerous areas BY CHOICE?!
  9. Supporting the police, no matter what they do.  "I have a brother (husband, cousin, uncle) who is a cop" and it's a thankless job blah blah blah. Blue lives matter. All lives matter. Sigh. And if you try to educate them on how the system is failing people of color, LGBTQ+, and anyone even slightly different than CIS WHITE MALE... yeah. It's not going well.
Every day, people I thought I knew are breaking my heart. But my eldest tells me no one cares what a fat disabled white lady thinks. So that's why I'm here. Talking to myself. Oh, and my former local mom friends have still frozen me out. It's gotten so bad that we were the only parents not invited to a 2020 Seniors parent group on Facebook. What the hell have people been saying about us?! Someone in the know, please drop me a line. I am seriously clueless about what we are purported to have said or done to make everyone ditch us. Back to crying. See you next year, blog. 


freeepeace said…
I care. I'm not always here, but I'm always with you. it's a difficult time. you are right about empaths. everyone needs to work a little harder just to stay grounded. you are not alone. Facebook is toxic. I dropped the app almost two years ago. every time I return there's another 'demic. come play ark or WoW or Red Dead with me. keep your brain focused on calming soothing things that promote healing. you are loved. remember also that your eldest arrived with his own set of baggage. his statements represent his fears. remember how we felt about our parents when we hit adulthood. he's got a lot of foraging ahead of him. and we're all doing our best. maybe make statements that represent your truth when faced with hate and rage and fear. without blame or shame. just personal true stories. be the light that you are. our porch lights don't stop shining on anyone. the ones who are ready to see will have their eyes open. go there. that's where love is. 🥰
Anonymous said…
Hello, we haven't ever met, but I care. I'm also a mom, so I know there is plenty to love about your eldest, but (at the risk of offending you) he can go stick it. He is finding his own way, but your path is just as real and valid. Even when it doesn't feel like it. Please know this. Continue to shine your love on him, but don't forget yourself. I relate to this post in a BIG way, so I hope it helps in some way to hear there are people who care. People who accept your feelings as valid. People who hear your hurt. Keep on keepin on, Girl.
Tessa said…
This wass great to read

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