Brutal Truth

I found out some things about my bio-mom a couple weeks ago that rocked my world.  My first instinct after breaking down for an hour was to come here and spew all my thoughts, rage, emotional bile, and insanity. Somewhere in the upheaval the cool voice of reason talked me down. I've burned myself in the past when I've come here and shared everything that was going on in my head. Now I check myself. Those emotion fueled rants made for compelling reading, but they also tended to piss off family member who didn't understand where I was coming from or how loony PMDD can make me at times.

So here I am, having spent a considerable amount of time stewing over things and feeling like I have an even better and more unvarnished view of where she came from.  I understand now.  It hurts like hell, but I understand. I wasn't part of one of those story book dramas where the young girl was forced to give up a child she loved and wanted to keep, but for whatever reason, was not allowed to.

Nope. I wasn't wanted. Given the era, where she lived, the families involved...she had no choices. She was forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, was sent quietly out of town to deliver, and then tried her best to just forget the whole mess and move on with life. I try to see myself in her shoes and it just horrifies me.

I am sympathetic. Really I am. But at the same time, I am glad abortion wasn't legal. I wouldn't be here. No dancing around the truth. I would simply not exist.

I wonder how my unique viewpoint would sit with her rabidly pro-choice daughter. How would her view of the world shift if she knew about me. Why her mother raised her with such liberal and feminist ideals. Yes, mom was a child of the 60s and a bit of a hippy, but she has NO IDEA how far down the rabbit hole really goes.

Well, little sis - you and I will never see eye to eye on the whole pro-life/pro-choice debate for obvious reasons. But it would be cool to argue with you. I have a feeling, however, that you and I will never get the chance. I think mom is afraid of what your reaction, in particular, will be to finding out about my existence. Little bro, on the other hand, would probably just take the info in stride. Sis and I are too much alike. Sensitive and deeply emotional with a tendency toward depression and an epic ability to take things too personally. Must be genetic.

Just know this, we have a lot more in common than mom thinks. Don't judge me just because I was raised by uber conservative Catholic Republicans. My personal viewpoints and politics may as well be from another planet when compared to my parental units. I am my own person. A "non-conformist" as my mother always calls me. Hey, Tarzan was raised by apes and he turned out ok. KWIM?


Donna. W said…
My son-in-law said his grandmother told his mom, "If they'd had birth control in MY day, you wouldn't be here."

See, kids don't have to be adopted for their parent's views to hurt them.
Wil said…
While it is certainly possible that you wouldn't exist if access to legal abortion was possible for your birth mother, please don't lose sight of the fact that it is all about the ability to chose, not the choice. You'd never have existed nor had any feelings about the matter if your birth mother had chosen to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Your birth mother certainly didn't choose to become pregnant and I am pretty sure she didn't "choose" to bring the pregnancy to term. But in her case, if a choice had been presented, you can't be sure what she would have actually chosen, can you?
Su said…
Just discovered your blog. Your writing is wonderful.

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