tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-190220442024-03-13T00:12:12.370-04:00Where Life Takes You...Random thoughts of a misguided writer who got lost along the way...and became a mother and wife with a life she never expected.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.comBlogger880125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-54354308986205182002022-06-30T12:41:00.001-04:002022-06-30T12:41:34.621-04:00GoogleI received an interesting letter in the mail today from pricewaterhouse. Apparently, Google owes me money. I've actually known this for quite a while now but I don't receive enough views on this blog or on my YouTube channel to reach their minimum AdSense threshold level. I'm only 80 cents away from receiving my first big check from YouTube. 😆 What is the minimum amount of money you have to earn in order for Google AdSense to cut you a check? That would be $100.<div><br></div><div>If anyone is still reading my blog, can you do me a kind favor? Please click on an ad here on this blog or go to my Becky Yanagi YouTube channel and watch a video and maybe click on an ad there. You don't have to buy anything, just watch an ad. I have no idea how many ad views it will take to earn me that last $0.80 but it would be nice to finally get paid. 🤣 It's only taking me 20 years to earn $99. How do those YouTube stars do it I wonder.</div>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-76329076273933444452022-01-07T03:10:00.001-05:002022-01-07T03:10:25.633-05:00SpartacusHe joined the family 16 years ago in July. I'm sure I've got a blog entry in here about it. I was driving back home after dropping Tyler off at a special day camp run by the Montessori school in Sparta. I watched a suspicious white pickup ahead of me slow to a crawl then speed up a few times before I was forced to stop my car. <div><br></div><div>In the middle of that heavily forested country lane was a little ball of grey fluff. And it was moving. If he had moved off into the woods like I suspected his siblings had, I never would have spotted him. A tiny kitten, much too small to be weaned. Another passing motorist and I searched in vain for other kittens until she couldn't stay any longer. I accepted responsibility and took the baby to my vet.</div><div><br></div><div>I named him Spartacus (after that lonely road to Sparta) and had to bottle feed him until he was old enough for solid food. I often said he prepared me for Max's arrival a year later. Brushed up on my infant care skills since Tyler was going on 5 years old at that point.</div><div><br></div><div>So here we are, 16 years later, and I'm helping with hospice car for Tyler's first furry BFF. Sparty was never going to be my cat. After that first month or so, he made it clear that he had bonded with the boy. He tolerated me. Occasionally showed me he had some affection for me. Just enough so I wouldn't find him a new home. But he was typically ornery, feisty, hyper, destructive, and very bitey. Tyler adored him.</div><div><br></div><div>He has stage 4 renal failure. The vet said his prognosis wasn't good about a year ago, but Tyler insisted Sparty was a fighter and too feisty to quit yet. So we opted for treatment. Special diet. A couple trips to the vet each week for medication and IV treatments. He would never get better, but treatment slowed the progression of his illness. He's just skin and bones, but up until December, he was still pretty feisty, sometimes playful, and more cuddly than he has ever been before.</div><div><br></div><div>Then he stopped eating. I thought that was it, but he still loved his favorite cat treats. He was obviously hungry. So we gave up on the expensive kidney care food and pampered him with a variety of his favorite canned moist foods. He loved it! He eats so much more now. But I could see him slowing down. Jumping less. Needing occasional pain medicine.</div><div><br></div><div>Then, right before Christmas, I noticed a lump on his neck. It felt hard and boney so I feared he had dislocated something in his shoulder region. I mentioned it to Tyler and while I was up north visiting my parents, I got a couple texts. One from Ty and one from John... it's cancer. Vet says he has 1-3 months. </div><div><br></div><div>I had left the bedroom door open when I left. Both cats love my fluffy pink blanket. Plus I have a water fountain in here for them. I figured Sparty might like snoozing on my bed while I was gone. He's gotten pretty used to napping with me lately. </div><div><br></div><div>It's 3am and he's using my foot as a pillow. I'm crying quietly as I watch him sleep. Checking to be sure he's still breathing. I'm surprised Tyler hasn't come looking for him. They usually sleep in Tyler's bed at night. </div><div><br></div><div>I didn't necessarily agree with the initial decision to do long term treatment. Quality of life over quantity, I say. But Tyler made sure he had daily play, a warm place to sleep and a backup driver for vet appointments. He can't stand the smell of cat food and won't touch a litter box, but I think Sparty knows he's loved.</div><div><br></div><div>I don't think he will be with us much longer, but right now he is sleeping peacefully. On my foot. I think I'm gonna miss him when he's gone.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></div>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-39227836644680109702021-12-21T12:25:00.001-05:002021-12-21T12:25:25.702-05:00Getting artisanal.. I've been looking for a hobby to feed my artistic side for a while now. I bought sculpting clay, but it looks so pretty in its neat little packages, I can't bring myself to actually open it and mess it up. <div><br></div><div>Then I got a nice set of watercolor markers and an "adult" coloring book, but that leaves me feeling like a fraud. It's not my drawings. </div><div><br></div><div>So I moved on to Paint Plot. Paint by numbers kit. Also not my drawings, but the canvas is huge and the detail work...ok, yeah. It was overwhelming. </div><div><br></div><div>While contemplating my choices, I made myself a drink, forgetting that the ice in our Big freezer tastes like a combo of garlic and slightly gone off chicken. 🤢 I do have a small fridge in my bedroom now to keep medicine, drinks, and snacks for those days when walking to the kitchen is too painful. #peripheralneuropathy </div><div><br></div><div>Could I make my own ice? There is a small freezer compartment... So, I researched ice trays. My hands/arms are weak and tire easily, thus necessitating something easy to bend and crack. I also wanted something close to bullet ice. It would be the wrong texture, but small ice cylinders sounded very appealing.</div><div><br></div><div>I ordered silicone trays with clear plastic covers off Amazon. I started trying to fill them by pouring spring water out of the big bottle I keep in my room. Our tap water is undrinkable, sadly. I soon discovered my hands were too shaky and I was wasting precious water slopping it all over me and my bed. </div><div><br></div><div>How could I fill these tiny compartments with water without making a mess? I thought back to my school days and doing precice measurements with pipettes. Do they make plastic ones that are easy to use? They do! Amazon had these nifty squeeze bulb pipettes that turned out to be the perfect size. One squeeze dispensed enough water to fill one "cube" in the tray. </div><div><br></div><div>I soon found that using a pipette, a glass of spring water and my silicone ice trays while watching a movie or TV program was a very satisfying way to keep my hands busy. And the ice? Crystal clear and very tasty.</div><div><br></div><div>I've invented artisanal ice. Handcrafted and produced in small batches. 🤣 And it's fun! One tray fills a red Solo cup about 2/3 full. Perfect for chilling drinks and munching. I have two trays that I alternate and use/fill each day. It takes about 12 hours for them to freeze solid and the cubes are so pretty. Fun to pop out of their little silicone molds too. </div><div><br></div><div>So, I can't sculpt, draw, color, paint, knit or crochet but I can make crystal clear sparkling ice cylinders that look pretty and taste fantastic. 😋 It's silly, but little things sometimes make me happy.</div>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-60709928883731830222021-12-16T16:28:00.001-05:002021-12-16T16:28:15.727-05:00Hi blogSo here I am, once again, over a year later. I lost access to my Facebook because of a, well, not a hacker exactly but you know one of those people that buys stolen passwords and then steals your accounts. It's been months since I had access to Facebook and without that social outlet it's gotten ugly. People have messaging my poor husband asking if I died.<div><br></div><div>I really miss that outlet. It's just simple stupid thoughts that I have throughout the day that I just want to share with my very small list of Facebook friends. When I vanished from Facebook I think the tally is currently at four people who came looking for me? That actually cheered me up a little bit.</div><div><br></div><div>The oldest is 20 years old now and in college. He's doing super well and is very happy with the classes he's taking. I think he may have finally found his path in life and it's made me very happy for him. Straight A's and high praise from his professors. </div><div><br></div><div>The youngest, on the other hand, is struggling at the moment. He's 15 and a freshman in high school. He's finding it difficult to manage some of the drama and some of the kids that he attends school with. He knows we have his back and will do whatever we can to help him through this difficult time. He's a great kid and eventually I think all of this will blow over.</div><div><br></div><div>Meanwhile all I can think about is making it to the next day and daydreaming about selling this house, moving someplace smaller with no stairs, nicer weather and great food within a short distance. I mean I retired in 2001 but I guess this makes it official that I want to be a real retiree.</div><div><br></div><div>I know the husband is more than ready to retire as well but someone has to pay for college for the boys so we'll keep plugging away.</div><div><br></div><div>If you're reading this I hope you're warm, safe, well-fed, with a sturdy roof over your head. All my best.</div>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-40762708561006631212020-06-14T13:29:00.001-04:002020-06-14T13:29:14.002-04:00One year later!?I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted. The sad thing is, I sat at my desk today to post about many of the same issues I talked about this time last year and if I hadn't just re-read my last post, I wouldn't have realized it. Nothing has changed. To be honest, the world has become a toxic and horrible place.<br />
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Let me start with some positive news. My eldest graduated high school. There were MANY bumps in the road but I made promises not to be as frank and open about the people closest to me anymore. Apparently everyone thinks I run my mouth too much. I have no friends so I don't know who my kid thinks I'm "gossiping" with. I used to post on Facebook once a day, but now if you see a post from me once a month, that's rare.<br />
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Max will be in 8th grade in the Fall. He is the sunshine in my days. He checks in on me, has long rambling conversations on any topic, and is still happy to hug his old mom. He is the reason I can get up in the morning.<br />
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We lost my sweet Mother in Law to Covid-19 in May. You may have heard about the pandemic. I will miss her greatly.<br />
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I was hospitalized for a week in early December of last year. Double pneumonia. I'm thankful it happened before the shit hit the fan in March. I have left the house only 4 times from January until yesterday. Yesterday all I did was get in my car, drive to someone's house where she loaded a graduation cake into my passenger seat and I passed her some cash through my partly open window.<br />
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To be honest, I won't go out unless it's just a short ride in my car and I don't have to actually get out or try to walk far. It's just too difficult.<br />
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Now why am I sitting at my desk at my gorgeous monitor, using my dust covered keyboard? I can type a lot of words faster. Poking one letter at a time on my tablet gets exhausting. I have so much I want to say but brain fog makes it very difficult to compost my thoughts. I'm also acutely aware that no one cares what I think and if my kids go back to read this one day...really, that's all I care about. That my boys know how much I love them, am proud of them, and hope they have happy lives.<br />
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But the way the world is...I don't see how that's going to be possible. Empaths are struggling, y'all. All I see on Facebook, Twitter, everywhere is hate.<br />
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Virus, murders, riots, protests, men in control of our country who only have hate and greed in their hearts. <br />
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I want to post something on my Facebook. I have a very small friend list. So small, that I am reluctant to unfriend anyone else these days. But I can't ignore all the hate! In the last couple days, people I thought I knew have posted:<br />
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<ol>
<li>A white supremacist rant about how stupid it is to have "black history month" or "pride parades" or "protests" and why can't white people have a month, or a parade or pride. Really?</li>
<li>Negative memes saying it's better to save our economy than a bunch of old or disabled people.</li>
<li>Posts against LGBTQ+ rights.</li>
<li>Posts blaming left-leaning people for the virus or blaming "overly cautious" fake-news medical experts taking away their right to not wear face coverings.</li>
<li>People whining about social distancing and not being able to go to the gym or a restaurant when we have family dying. Infection rates are still going UP and the worst states are the ones that opened public areas and beaches. Wake up, Florida and Texas!!!</li>
<li>Hateful memes and comments about feminism, women, fat people, the disabled...There are some ableist shit talkers on my feed who are thin, healthy, and full of themselves thinking their genetic lottery win makes them experts to judge the lives of others.</li>
<li>People who support our current president and Republicans in general who seem to be blind to all the toxic things they say and do. Money is NOT more important than people's lives!</li>
<li>Racists. Wake up! Yes there is still a HUGE problem with racism in this country. System racism. Just today a facebook friend posted about "ghettos" and how dangerous they are and how all the troubles seem to start there and why do people choose to live a segregated life... Seriously??? You think people live in impoverished and dangerous areas BY CHOICE?!</li>
<li>Supporting the police, no matter what they do. "I have a brother (husband, cousin, uncle) who is a cop" and it's a thankless job blah blah blah. Blue lives matter. All lives matter. Sigh. And if you try to educate them on how the system is failing people of color, LGBTQ+, and anyone even slightly different than CIS WHITE MALE... yeah. It's not going well.</li>
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Every day, people I thought I knew are breaking my heart. But my eldest tells me no one cares what a fat disabled white lady thinks. So that's why I'm here. Talking to myself. Oh, and my former local mom friends have still frozen me out. It's gotten so bad that we were the only parents not invited to a 2020 Seniors parent group on Facebook. What the hell have people been saying about us?! Someone in the know, please drop me a line. I am seriously clueless about what we are purported to have said or done to make everyone ditch us. Back to crying. See you next year, blog. </div>
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-58257367725486124032019-06-15T19:37:00.000-04:002019-06-15T19:37:02.163-04:00Rough day...I was hoping for a good weekend, like the one I had for the disability expo, but it didn't work out. I spent 2.5 hours getting ready for a special event and made it there, but after just over an hour, my pain level became unbearable. I forced a smile and swiftly said polite goodbyes and my poor husband helped me back to our van. Managed to shed my party clothes, gulp down pain meds, and collapse in bed before the tears came. I'm still happy I tried. I feel horrible when my health issues keep me from being there for friends and family.<br />
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I went to Facebook to send a message to a friend to tell her how fabulous she looked today. I'm sad I didn't get the chance to do it in person, but she won't notice. Busy day for them. Big event, lots of guests. Then I got caught up on what other friends are up to today. Facebook is really a life line for me. I don't feel well enough to go out most of the time, so it's nice to keep in touch.<br />
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But, I've been noticing a trend for some time now. My local circle of parent friends... I have this unshakeable feeling they are mad at me. I have no idea what I did (or didn't) do. It's all very passive aggressive and I could be imagining it. When I comment on a post, everyone else who comments will get a like except me. It started with 2 moms and spread from there. I'm being iced out, I think. The old "ignore her, and maybe she'll go away" thing I used to cope with in middle school. Today, I posted a gif to be cute and supportive. Someone else posted a near identical gif. He got engaging banter, likes, and playful gifs in return. Me? Ignored.<br />
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And it's more than half my local friend group now. Yes, they are all friends with each other. You think I'm crazy? Well, I am. But I was also the only one not invited to the baby shower. And ladies nights. And back yard get togethers. I have a feeling I didn't do something they expected me to and now I'm on the town wide shit list. It could be they think I won't be able to participate. Maybe so, but don't skip the disabled mom because you assume. I try my best to be there. I can't help out the way I used to. But I want to.<br />
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I like everyone and want to be liked in return. Maybe they sense my desperate need to belong. Am I off putting? A couple of them have made posts in the past poking fun at fat people. Could be I'm too fat to hang with the cool kids. Snark is my defense mechanism, people. Really, I am quiet, shy, and very kind. Yet, awkward. Maybe I said something that someone took the wrong way? Yes, I second think a ton.<br />
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Or maybe it's my kids. I swear we do not gossip or do anything that would be a bad example. We have always taken a very strong anti bully stance. And yet...my teen is a troll who makes highly objectionable memes. He thinks it's funny and says his friends all do it too. We do not approve. My middle schooler trash talks his friends as they game together. I imagine he talks this way to them at school. I've told him repeatedly that he's gone too far and someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I get eyerolls. But he doesn't see his best friend very much any more. Coincidence?<br />
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I don't know. All I do is worry and speculate. And count the balls I've dropped over the last few years. I have the best of intentions, but my body and mind just won't cooperate. I'm tired. In pain. Deeply depressed. Anxious. I just can't anymore. So I'll just call it a day and walk away. I like these people very much, but the constant rejection breaks my heart. I think my friend Emily is right. Facebook has become toxic.<br />
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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-48370178621105466582019-05-20T03:13:00.001-04:002019-05-20T03:13:55.143-04:00Ice cream dreams...A friend asked "What is your favorite ice cream flavor?" My go to, as a child, was chocolate. We used to go to Friendly's after church on Sundays and have a cone as a treat. I always got chocolate. Then one fine day, as we stood in line, I saw the man in front of us was handed a cone topped with purple ice cream. Purple!!! What magic was this?! I asked the lady behind the counter. Black raspberry. My mom was worried I wouldn't like it. But it was amazing.<br />
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From then on I had the impossible choice. 😂<br />
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Then, one day a child in front of us in line at <a href="https://www.bedfordfarmsicecream.com/" target="_blank">Bedford Farms</a> was handed a cone that had a rainbow of chunks peaking out of a cloud of white ice cream. Bubble gum! My little brother and I lost our minds! That became his favorite for many years. I loved it too, but frozen gum has challenges.<br />
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Then, on a family road trip vacation, we went in search of our weekly ice cream fix. I don't remember what state we were in (there were many family trips) but they didn't have a single Friendly's! So we went to this place called Baskin Robbins. My brother and I whined. We were highly skilled at it. But this place had new wonders. Low slung ice cream cases with windows. You could SEE every flavor, clearly labeled. And whenever we would ooo and ahh over a particular flavor, the lady behind the freezers would hand my brother and I a tiny pink plastic spoonful to taste. Free samples?! That is the moment I fell in love with chocolate peanut butter chunk ice cream. 😋<br />
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Then, thanks to my mom, I discovered banana ice cream. Then mint chip. Rainbow sherbet! Wait, does sherbet count? Mom's strawberry ice cream pie. Then a family trip to Vermont and a tour of a factory owned by these 2 guys...Ben and Jerry? Chunky Monkey, y'all. Chubby Hubby! Yo! Pick a favorite?! Can't do it.<br />
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No wonder I'm fat. 😂Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-2641092704110325312019-05-11T16:43:00.001-04:002019-05-11T16:43:15.710-04:00JeanieTwo posts in one day?! [checks out the window for flying pigs or signs of the apocalypse]<br />
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I spend a lot of time in bed with my mind drifting. After all the musing over Max's camping trip and the drama leading up to it, my thoughts went back to my own time in middle school. Most of my memories of that time are not fond ones. I've blogged about my experiences with being bullied in the past, so I won't rehash.<br />
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There were a few bright spots in middle school. One of them was Jeanie.<br />
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Our Jr. High was much larger than my elementary school. Our town had 4 active elementary schools and they all fed into the one Jr. High (7th and 8th grade only.) Years later, the town would shut down 2 of the elementary schools and turn the former Jr. High into a middle school serving 5th to 8th grades, but that's not important to this story. Only that I was changing schools and there would be a whole lot of new kids to deal with.<br />
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I was on a new bus that left earlier in the morning too. The bus was full of mostly familiar faces and a couple new ones. I found myself awkwardly looking for a place to sit. I hated it when kids who got on the bus before it reached my street each took a seat of their own forcing me to pick a seat next to someone. It would have been ok if any of those kids were my friend, but none of them were. Why? My best friends on my street were all a year or two behind me in school. I always got along better with kids who were a little younger than myself. Even now, I don't feel fully matured.<br />
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For months, I would get on the bus, scan the faces of the kids already occupying every seat and randomly pick one where the kid looked the least hostile. That method didn't always work. More than a few times, the kid would swivel on the bench, plant a foot on my hip and shove me out onto the floor. More often than not, the bus driver would yell at ME for causing a disruption.<br />
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One day I climbed on the dreaded bus and there was a new face sitting near the front. A kind face that looked up at me expectantly. She actually patted the open seat next to her and smiled. Dazed, I sat down. Her name was Jean, and she was new. Now, I've written briefly about Jean before in a post I entitled <a href="http://ryanagi.blogspot.com/2004/05/friends.html" target="_blank">Friends</a>. That post was probably the last time I wondered about her.<br />
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She was broken and damaged. I was broken and damaged. We both desperately needed a friend. It was an instant bond. I didn't even know she had a physical handicap until we got off the bus 25 minutes later, but by then we were fast friends. Jeanie had club feet. She wore special shoes, but I don't think they were doing anything except helping her stay upright. Her feet were seriously turned inward, but she didn't let that slow her down. Much. It was mainly our fellow students who were the problem. What kind of sick mind goes out of their way to trip the disabled kid?? I mean, they tripped me too. And dumped our books. Maybe I should give them credit for not being discriminatory bullies? Anyone who wasn't "cool" was a target.<br />
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I look back now and wonder why her parents hadn't gotten her corrective surgery. It was the late 70s. Did they do that kind of surgery back then? Then again, her parents were divorced and hated each other's guts. Her dad started a new family with a new wife. Her mom moved in with a divorced man with older kids. They seemed wrapped up in their new lives and Jeanie was uprooted and passed around every time her parent's life situation changed. Moving in with her mom's new boyfriend is how Jeanie ended up on my bus that fateful day.<br />
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Jean was friendly, chatty, and thrilled to have made a new friend on her first day in a new school. She fit in easily with my school chums (the nerd table in the lunch room.) I stayed on the bus after school and followed her home, thrilled to learn that she lived on the first street just over the highway overpass, which was just past my own neighborhood. The problem was, I wasn't allowed to cross the highway. The overpass had no sidewalk and that road was busy. I wasn't even supposed to leave my own street, but I figured I would just call my mom to come get me when we were done playing.<br />
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Mom wasn't too pleased, but Jeanie soon became a fixture at our house. I'd bring her home with me or I would go home with her. We would trade off. At Jeanie's house, both adults worked. If anyone was home, it was one of the teen or 20-something sons of her mom's boyfriend. They pretty much ignored us. It was like having a whole house to ourselves and they had a basement rec room too! Complete with bar, pool table, black light, and funky posters. We listened to the stereo, looked at teen magazines, played board games, did our homework...all good clean fun. Unsupervised good clean fun.<br />
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At my house, we had my mom and little bother. I mean, brother. Mom would hover and ask intrusive questions. "What does your Dad do? What church do you go to? Do I know your mother?" My brother would hang around us just to be annoying. It's obvious why we started spending more and more time at Jeanie's house. I would stay there until dinner time, then call my mom and ask if Jean could come over for dinner. Why? Because no one was cooking for that poor girl. She was living on canned soup and pasta. Often she was making said soup and pasta for the lazy boys too.<br />
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If only I had kept my big mouth shut. But my mother had ways of getting me chatting. She would pry. She would interrogate. She was a bit of a smother. One day I made the mistake of confessing that Jean's mom wasn't married to the man whose house they were living in. I also mentioned the older boys. The fact that Jean came home to an empty house most days. *gasp* A latch-key kid! But sometimes the older "brothers" were there! I thought I was saving myself. Nope. Alone in a strange house with unsupervised teen boys?! (Did I mention one of them was growing weed in his closet with grow lights? Yep. Jean showed me and I blabbed about that to Mom too.) <br />
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As all was slowly revealed, I went from being restricted to having Jean over to play at our house only to eventually being told I couldn't hang out with her AT ALL. Bad influence. Divorced parents? No supervision? Neglect? Teen boys? Drugs?! It didn't matter that Jean was a nice girl who didn't ask for any of that in her life. Judgement was passed and Jean was a forbidden topic. I was not to go to her house and she wasn't welcome in ours.<br />
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We still hung out on the bus and at school, but the magic was gone. I felt horrible guilt for spilling the beans. She found a new friend to hang out with after school. Valerie's mom had died and she lived alone with her alcoholic Dad. I wasn't allowed to go to Valerie's house either. Valerie took care of her dad and their house. She was also a very nice girl and my friend.<br />
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At the end of the school year, Jean told me she was spending the summer with her Dad. I never saw her again. Valerie and I were still in-school friends the following year. We still ate at the nerd table. But I was getting out of the public school system for good in high school. I headed off to Catholic high school and lost touch with all my nerd table friends.<br />
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I wish I'd kept in touch. They were a great group of kids. That became another vow of mine. My kids would not suffer at the hands of bullies the way I did. And one day my house would be a haven for those kids from broken homes. A nice kid is a nice kid, no matter what their home life is like. I would not judge! I hope my boys take that message of kindness and understanding with them when they head out into the world to start their own lives.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-23239324372341558952019-05-11T15:14:00.000-04:002019-05-11T15:14:13.363-04:00Depression and the Mama BearAs a life-long sufferer of this disease, I get extremely worried when I see signs of it in my boys. My teen is going through a very rough patch right now (that I won't detail here because he has asked that I not blog about him) and has legit reasons to be depressed. It's hard with teens. You never know if how they feel is just regular hormonal teen "stuff" or if it's more. My middle schooler is showing signs of this hormonal teen stuff too.<br />
<br />
I got a text from the Dad earlier today. He took our tween on a fun outing and instead of fun, he contended with sulky and grumpy. I mean, really. How can you sulk during Pikachu Day at Target?! Even the name of the event made me smile. So my mind started racing, as it does.<br />
<br />
Why is Max moody today?<br />
<br />
After shuffling through the usual suspects (hunger, fight with brother, tired, Dad is really the one who is moody and grumpy and the lad is just feeding off it...) I came to the conclusion that it's con blues. Kinda. Plus, we sent the Dad to take a nap. Just in case.<br />
<br />
First, what is con blues, you ask? In a nut shell, for those of us who LOVE going to fan conventions, it's that let-down you feel after you have to return to "real" life. The humdrum day-to-day crap that isn't days filled with celebrities, cosplay, scheduled fun activities non-stop...you get the picture. It sucks.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RqgusHPfh-0/XNcS-eqS0OI/AAAAAAAAC9s/y3yHoK6JNoQWAEyXVpNU49Ph83nZPkQzQCLcBGAs/s1600/max%2Bcamp%2B5-9-19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RqgusHPfh-0/XNcS-eqS0OI/AAAAAAAAC9s/y3yHoK6JNoQWAEyXVpNU49Ph83nZPkQzQCLcBGAs/s400/max%2Bcamp%2B5-9-19.jpg" width="300" /></a>Max just got home last night from a 2 day camping adventure with his 6th grade class. They went boating, did archery, rock climbing, zip-lining, hiking, campfire sing-alongs, and slept in neat cabin bunks with friends and sleeping bags. This was Max's first real camping trip and he had a BLAST.<br />
<br />
And then he came home. Even I feel the level of extreme suckage in that previous sentence. My boy has con blues! Or camp blues? Regardless, he went from non-stop fun to, ugh, boring old home. No wonder he's moody today.<br />
<br />
Once I had my child figured out (mostly) my mind continued to wander. He is really very lucky. I missed out on a lot of adventures like this when I was a kid. I was sick. A lot. Often when I actually succeeded in leaving on an adventure, I'd get sick during it and my parents would have to come get me.<br />
<br />
*cough* Girl Scout camp out. *cough cough* Suspected pneumonia.<br />
<br />
With the drama leading up to Max's super fun camping trip, I'm just happy my boy had such a great time. What drama, you ask? Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah. When the list of cabin assignments came out, my sweet tween came home crying. They put him in a cabin with 2 bullies. Max has been bullied by way too many kids at that school, but this was 2 of the worst. Naturally, I assumed someone was doing it deliberately just to mess with my kid. (See, we had to fight to get Max on this trip. They had kicked him off the trip for too many absences. But we had doctor's notes and documented all but 2 of his days out and won that fight.)<br />
<br />
I mean, school admin knew about those boys! If you are going to kick kids off of field trips, why not punish the kids who torture their fellow classmates?! Not the ones who had a rough winter full of illness after illness! <br />
<br />
I went full on Mama Bear and sent a heat filled email to the school superintendent, principal, and the teacher organizing the trip. The last one I included just as a courtesy because this is the first year Max has her, so I wasn't completely sure she would know about the history with those boys. Plus Max told me the principal had a hand in putting the cabin assignments together. Oh, I was livid. On the brink of litigious. No one messes with my kids!<br />
<br />
But, it turns out no one was. After a heated email exchange, turns out it was just an idiotic mistake. I don't blame the nice teacher who works hard, year after year, putting these trips together. Admin knew about Max's history. She should have been informed at the start of the damn year when we were fighting to get Max in a class that didn't include most of those tragically delinquent boys. I never wanted my kids to experience the kind of daily torture I went through in Middle School. Their poor dad too. We are VERY anti-bully.<br />
<br />
At any rate, I feel bad for including Max's teacher in my Mama Bear meltdown. But not school admin. They really drop the ball WAY too many times. I mean, can you blame me for feeling like this cabin assignment was deliberate? To mess with my kid? Granted, I gave them too much credit. No one could be stupid enough to put a kid in harm's way accidentally. Right? Wrong. I must assume stupid going forward. Stupid, thoughtless, negligent, asses!<br />
<br />
Wow. I think I'm still a bit angry! It all went ok in the end. The one or two boys Max liked in his cabin group made sure he was ok and it all worked out fine.<br />
<br />
Max is a super resilient kid and much better at making the best of things than his poor old Mom can. Plus he has lots of friends who look out for each other. And special thanks to our neighbor friend, Chris, who was one of the parent chaperones on this trip. He took that special boating pic up there, in this post. Chris knew I was freaking out and posted that to my Facebook wall during the trip just to reassure me. Yep. Made me cry. I'm extremely grateful to all our parent friends who take photos during school events and trips. I used to be the mom who volunteered and took photos at EVERYTHING. Long time readers may remember that I am a shutterbug. But declining health has kept me from participating for a number of years now. I really hate missing out but am super thankful for friends who are there to capture these memories for me. Photo credit below goes to my mom friend Erica. She bravely volunteered to chaperone too and spent the night in a cabin full of middle school girls. I should bring her a bottle of wine...<br />
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Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-31442561955898771862019-02-03T01:10:00.001-05:002019-02-03T01:10:15.734-05:00TypicalTyler requested his favorite kind of chicken tonight, for dinner. You can check out the recipe below, it's very easy to make and super tasty. But that's not really what inspired me to start a post right now. Instead, it was the conversation that happened after I took the chicken out of the oven and plated it.<br />
<br />
I painstakingly placed 4 chicken tenderloins onto a paper towel lined plate. These 4 were more heavily seasoned and needed to drain. Then I put the remaining 4 on another plate. These were more lightly seasoned. I called my youngest in to enlist his help.<br />
<br />
Me: "Max, take this plate to your brother, please."<br />
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Max: "Mmm! No. I want this [points] plate. Ty can have the other ones."<br />
<br />
Me: "Uh, no. Those are for your brother."<br />
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Max: "Why??! These look bigger and more appetizing. They look better than those! Why can't I have this plate full?! [continues pointing]"<br />
<br />
Me: "<i>Sigh</i>. Those have been draining on a paper towel because your brother won't eat moist or wet foods. He HAS to have that plate."<br />
<br />
Max: "<i>grumble complain</i> But whyyy...?!" as he leaves the room and takes the plate down the hall. He returns moments later saying his brother told him to just leave them on the stove. "So he won't know if I take this plate! Quick! Put the others on a paper towel!!"<br />
<br />
Enter older brother.<br />
<br />
Max: "Crap."<br />
<br />
Teen: "Wait. Why does Max have more than me? Why are his bigger? His look better! I want THAT plate! Give me his!"<br />
<br />
Max [dodging his brother's groping hands]: "Nope! These are mine! Mom made these ones just for meeee...!"<br />
<br />
*facepalm*<br />
<br />
Grass is always greener? People want what they think they can't have? I don't know. It's just classic.<br />
<br />
<u>Recipe for My Zesty Chicken Tenderloins</u><br />
<br />
Ingredients: Boneless, skinless chicken tenderloins (4 per person), softened butter or a tub of spreadable, fresh ground pepper, sea salt, cayenne pepper, lemon pepper, a cookie sheet and a sheet of tin foil.<br />
<br />
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Grease the middle of the shiny side of the foil, lighting sprinkle on some seasoning from the ingredients list (this saves me from having to flip the chicken over to season both sides), line up the chicken tenderloins (add a minute to the cooking time for each additional tender over 4), sprinkle with pepper, salt, lemon pepper and cayenne pepper to taste (this last one has some kick, so use caution). Top with a little butter to keep everything moist (I scrape a butter knife across the tub or stick to get thin curls and just lightly lay them on top. Bring the foil edges together and roll them up to make a sealed foil packet. Place on cookie sheet. Put in preheated oven, center rack, for 20 minutes. Serve as a snack or add your favorite rice and veg to make a meal.<br />
<br />
You don't have to drain these. The drippings are actually super tasty over rice. I just cater to my teen (#autism #sensory issues). Your kids might fight over them too. 😊😜<br />
<br />
<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-83884936037788508012018-10-14T00:27:00.000-04:002018-10-14T00:27:54.803-04:00Halloween TraditionsI love Halloween. It's been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. Spooky things, dressing up in costumes, and candy...it's all awesome! <br />
<br />
We moved around a lot when I was a kid (military brat) so I have only fleeting memories of Halloween in most of the places we lived, but I have strong memories from 4th grade on. One of the things I remember well was the house at the bottom of Bandera Drive in Bedford, MA. That was one street over from my street (we lived on Cot Hill for a few years). At the end of Bandera (it was a dead end street) there was a house with a set of steep steps out in front leading to a small front porch. It was a heavily wooded lot and kinda spooky at night. Every year, the woman who lived there dressed up as a witch. I mean full green face paint, wart, pointed hat and the whole nine. She was terrifying! But in a good way. You could tell she LOVED Halloween. The outside decorations were always amazing, but when she opened her front door it was like a Halloween wonderland. Spooky music or sound effects, a bubbling cauldron (usually full of hot mulled cider), big bowls full of candy, a tray of homemade popcorn balls, cupcakes or candy apples; it was magical. Most kids got a handful of standard candy treats, but if you were lucky enough to be a kid or parent she knew? She would hook you up with cider and one of her homemade treats too. I was over the moon the year I went trick or treating with a group of kids from around the neighborhood and one of them was friends with The Witch Lady.<br />
<br />
At last, I was one of the lucky kids that got invited inside to have a cup of cider and pick out a candy apple. The Halloween IN crowd! I remember making a mental note that, one day, when I had a home of my own, I would take on the mantle of The Witch Lady. Mine would be the house that all the kids talked about. Best treats. Best decorations. Lady answering the door in a cool costume. Something that would make lasting memories for the kids who rang my bell in the future.<br />
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For many years we WERE that house. Giant 8 ft. tall inflatable jack-o-lantern, spooky ghost lights around the porch pillars, jingly bat decorations hanging on the screen door and freshly carved pumpkins lining the walkway with spooky music playing. Me? Some years I dressed as a vampire, some as a witch, one year I was Death with my dark hooded cloak and scythe. We gave out treat bags full of candy, toys and stickers or temporary tattoos and something that glowed, for safety. I love stuff that glows in the dark and glow sticks have to be the greatest invention ever. In the past I've passed out hundreds of glow bracelets, necklaces, sticks and other random things.<br />
<br />
I got my reward one year when a pack of teens made their way up my front walk and I could hear them talking. One exclaimed "OH! This is the house with the cool glow stuff!" and they all eagerly piled up outside my screen door. That year I had glow earrings on and vampire teeth that had a mini glow stick inside lighting up my mouth when I opened it. I called my look "90's Rave Vampire" and was totally enjoying the effect of having only my head illuminated with eerie blue light while the rest of me was hidden in my black cloak. The teens freaked as soon as they saw me. "Oh my god! Do you have any more of those earrings?? How about the teeth?!?!" It so happened that I did have a few more sets of earrings, but the teeth were a solo purchase just for my costume. I gave the kids a bunch of glow necklaces and bracelets and two of the girls happily took pairs of glow stick earrings. "Your house is my favorite! I love coming here every year!"<br />
<br />
I shut the door, completely overjoyed in that moment. I knew a few of those kids could very well carry the torch. One day, their house would be the IT house on Halloween. I wonder what they will do to make the day special for their neighborhood one day.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-7076163167554441162018-09-13T08:54:00.000-04:002018-09-13T08:54:02.782-04:00Meanwhile, in another life...There is something really disturbing about entering a dream world that feels very familiar, but your subconscious hasn't been there in so long, that you have lost the connection to it. I was there, this morning. It was one of those dreams where you are you, but your life is completely different. Like visiting a parallel universe where a series of decisions led to a different path.<br />
<br />
In this case, I am a divorced woman hyper focused on her career. I work for a company that designs...advertising? No, that's not right. We are more like consultants that help companies stream line and focus their corporate vision. We help them realized untapped potential. We take companies that are doing "ok" but are stuck and bring them (sometimes kicking and screaming) into the modern world.<br />
<br />
I live in a home that feels like I was living with someone else, but they recently moved out. There are gaps in drawers and on shelves. Voids where I know something should be, but I can't remember what. Or who.<br />
<br />
The dream started with me waking up in bed (ironically) and I have the sense I am late for work. I know I need to be somewhere, but I'm not sure where. Moving through my home on auto-pilot, I shower, dress in something that feels inappropriate, throw on a coat and head out the door.<br />
<br />
I jump on a moped and buzz off down the street, hoping my mental autopilot will get me where I need to be. It works. I pull into a familiar parking lot just as several vehicles are exiting. A few other cars pull in at the same time. I pick a parking spot that feels wrong, somehow, and overhear a conversation between two coworkers discussing the parking situation. One says "Naw. Thought I'd park over by the university spots this morning. See you in a minute." There is a school nearby?<br />
<br />
I address the other male with "Just saw the night shift pulling out." He grins and says "Yep! I always wonder what those guys do here at night." I have no idea. Our company is located in an old industrial brick building that still has peeling signage painted on the walls. There is a covered driveway and a single dirty window set high in the wall with an old loading dock further down. I realize now, as I am thinking about these details, that the window is up high because it was designed for someone interacting with people driving big trucks. It is obviously no longer in use. There is another ad that looks more recent painted closer to the main entrance. It says something about pets and video. I comment to my co-worker about it and get a confused and grinning "What?!" Then I understand that it's real-world me asking a curious question and not dream-world me (who should already know the answer.)<br />
<br />
We climb some well worn stairs to the second level and enter what used to be a large loft area. It has undergone major and recent renovations that are still in progress. Stark white walls surround an open reception area. There is a stylish receptionist who greets us with a familiar smile but then she looks at me oddly and with concern. I wave and breeze past her quickly. I have the feeling that I usually stop and chat, but not today.<br />
<br />
We arrive at an open conference area with a large, round meeting table. It looks and feels new. There are several people taking seats on what are obviously new chairs and bantering about the changes. A man in a very nice suit enters the space through some frosted double glass doors and sits down with us to start the morning briefing. We go around the table and share progress reports. I feel myself sinking into my chair and feeling VERY awkward. I have no idea what to say. The guy next to me pipes up with a report about a recent trip to Milan. He sounds uncertain about how the presentation went and whether the company will sign with us. The man in the suit turns to me and asks "How do YOU think it went in Milan?" I swallow hard. I was in Milan for this meeting too? That's news to me. "Um. I don't think our message clicked with them as well as it could, but I don't think we bombed either. It's going to take some follow up?" The man nodded, seemingly satisfied, and said "Get on that." And the meeting was concluded.<br />
<br />
We all hesitantly moved further into the space around a new wall and into a corridor in the back. I stopped at a set of swinging doors, feeling like that was the best place to enter, while a few others used a different door further down. The doors I used had a group title painted on them, but I only recall the word "Strategy" now. There is a row of desks pushed up against some windows with more signs of construction. The other "door" just took my coworkers into the same space and we all grinned and shrugged at each other. It was a game of find your desk, because workers had obviously moved everything around the night before.<br />
<br />
I sat down at a desk that felt familiar but wrong at the same time. Things were missing, I think. I fished a pile of papers and mail off the floor and opened the middle drawer to retrieve a tablet. On autopilot once again, I turned it on and scanned my email and contacts. I had a strong feeling that there was something important I needed to do, but I had no idea what. Then I noticed some shopping bags next to my desk. Dream me snatched them up with an "Oh, thank God!" and I ran into the ladies room. It was the only place I'd encountered, so far, that felt finished. There was a nice big lighted mirror, a comfortable changing area with showers, generously sized bathroom stalls and a sort of spa-like feel to the space. I rapidly changed out of the frumpy coat and dress I'd thrown on earlier that morning and put on an outfit from one of the shopping bags. I had the feeling I'd done a fair amount of shopping on my recent trip to Milan. This outfit was NOT something I would wear in my waking life. I felt exposed but weirdly confident at the same time.<br />
<br />
Back at my desk, the receptionist walked up with a steaming mug in hand. She placed it gingerly on my desk and exclaimed "Well! That's a big improvement over earlier!" I smiled and mumbled something about oversleeping and jet lag. That seemed the right thing to say because she looked sympathetic and let me get back to work.<br />
<br />
Flipping through the contents of my tablet and looking over the papers and mail I'd found on the floor was really disturbing. It was bringing back pieces of previous dreams that took place in this world. An item I was supposed to have hand-delivered to someone important. Contacts for people I knew I hadn't called in too long. And an overwhelming feeling like I was missing something HUGELY important.<br />
<br />
Then I woke up. I wasn't OK when I woke up. In that life I had the feeling I was successful. Or nearly so. I had a career I really enjoyed but it felt like my personal life was in shambles. I was left with a feeling of longing for that sensation of "usefulness" but also deeply sad that this other me seemed to have no real love in her life. It left me wondering which life was better. Purposeless but deeply loved or independently successful but lacking connection.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-92125406286635329052018-07-06T19:31:00.000-04:002018-07-06T19:31:06.871-04:00Roller Coaster WeekLife can get interesting when you mix autism, a teenager, a younger brother, a mom with serious health and mobility issues and family vacations. My baby Max is going to be a middle schooler this year and the time for him to enjoy the wonders of a Disney vacation is almost past. The husband and I decided that THIS IS THE YEAR. But how. It was finally decided that the most mobile and healthy parent (the dad) would take the youngest on the dream vacation of his lifetime, so far; and the mom would stay home and care for the cantankerous teen.<br />
<br />
This was the week.<br />
<br />
Max and his Dad headed off to Orlando (Max's FIRST PLANE RIDE) and my challenges began. We took in a stray kitten the same day half the family left on vacation. I can't wait for Max to meet her. I call her Sweetie and the teen calls her Snake. Yeah. Much discussion. No willingness to compromise. 😂<br />
<br />
Meet Sweetie!<br />
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Check out the vacation boys!<br />
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<br />
I've cooked a LOT of eggs, pasta and hamburgers, and picked up a lot of take-out. We lost a good keyboard (RIP) and the air conditioner was dying (during the first heatwave of the summer) but I got that sorted. I've done a ton of driving for Mom's Taxi Service. And I survived. The other half of my beautiful family comes home tomorrow, thank heavens, and I may sleep for a week. Ups and downs, but we made it. I'm feeling rather accomplished!Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-10727910897581496382018-05-10T17:47:00.001-04:002018-05-10T17:47:02.983-04:00Mom's box of treasures<span style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Last time I was home for a visit, my mother brought out some treasures to show me. I knew she was a scrapbook-er back in the day but, sadly,</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> when she moved away from home her mother threw out a ton of stuff she left behind. Including a dozen or so scrapbooks documenting her late childhood and teen years. She was heartbroken. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">She had one incomplete book she'd taken with her and, in the early years of her marriage, she filled the remaining pages. She never bought another scrapbook to fill after that. She intended to, but only got so far as to keep treasures for the future book in a box. It was this box she wanted to share with me. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Overflowing with photos, postcards, and other keepsakes, we spent over an hour flipping through everything as she shared stories with me from her past. We came to a real treasure, a menu that she's swiped from the fancy French restaurant she and my dad dined at on their honeymoon in New Orleans. I think anyone who has been to NOLA knows of Antoine's. It's been there since 1840. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">In the moment, I didn't know this, but the first question we both asked was "I wonder if it's still there!?" I swiftly found the restaurant website on my tablet and we perused photos together. Mom noted it hasn't changed much and that made her really happy. You never know after decades of hurricanes and whatnot. Then we focused out attention back on the menu. Circa 1954, the menu was entirely in French. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">My mother laughed as she related the story of how the newlyweds asked the hotel concierge for recommendations on special places to eat. They were really pleased when they arrived at Antoine's. It was elegant, impressive and had exceptional service. After the waiter placed their napkins in their laps for them, he presented the menu to my dad first, then my mom. They were startled when they realized it was all in French. Neither of my parents speak French. They laughed as they tried to find a dish they recognized and were relieved to see some familiar item. Neither wanted to bother the waiter to ask for a translation. <span class="_5mfr _47e3" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f52/1/16/1f923.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /><span class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;">🤣</span></span> </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Mom got really excited when she remember that I'd taken French for many years. "Can you read it??" Of course! And we were transported to 1954 and a very classic selection of traditional and more modern French cuisine. The prices tickled me to death! I found myself wishing for a time machine. So many things I wanted to order!! We then went back to the website to check out their current menu to compare. It was, of course, much more expensive but still surprisingly affordable given the grand history of the place and they still have some of the same traditional dishes on the menu. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #4b4f56; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I convinced mom to let me bring this treasure home so I could scan it and share it. Finally, before I head back up there for Mother's Day, I got around to scanning the menu from Antoine's (circa 1954) from my parent's honeymoon. Sadly, I think the file size is too big. Blogger won't let me upload the images. I do have them on my facebook page. If you know me, you can see them there.</span>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-41363011593682573242018-04-26T17:14:00.000-04:002018-04-26T17:14:12.990-04:00Where did my baby go?I have two main thoughts milling around in my head today. Well, WAY more than two, but that would be too much typing. 😅<br />
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First is my observation of Max.<br />
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While his Dad was away in Atlanta, he didn't ask to sleep with me at all. That was a shock. I've also noticed a shift in his attitude lately. He's more back-sassy, a touch lazier, sleeping more, and much more independent. He was already super independent for a kid his age, but now he wants to ride his bike to Walmart. Uh...no. WAY too many busy roads between here and there.<br />
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BTW, he has only been riding a bike for a month. Yep. He had a bad experience when he was 4 or 5 and decided bike riding was not for him. He stuck to that, hard core, until a few weeks ago. He spent a day on a bike with training wheels, felt silly, made his dad take them off, had about 15 minutes of wobbly, and was off like Lance Armstrong. We've been in the market for a new bike for him ever since. He is being very very picky.<br />
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Am I ready for another pre-teen? No. Not in the slightest. I have hope that he won't be as, uh, pre-teeny? as his big brother. But the cranky, snotty, eye-rolling, and duh filled moments are steadily increasing. He's in transition, for sure. Lord help me.<br />
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Then there is my increased interest in car and truck ads. Yep. I've started looking! My lease is up in November. Max talked me into 2 more years as a mini-van mom a while back, but I think we are both ready for a big change. The ad for that new Chevy Traverse has caught my attention. Anyone know anything about those? The ad is cute and it looks nice.<br />
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Also considering an extended cab truck. I want a pull out ramp in the back so I can travel with my new scooter (which I also plan to get soon.) 😜 I think having one of the boys just drive it up a ramp is easier than getting a wheelchair accessible van or trailer or some kind of winch system installed. I see people load motorcycles, ski mobiles, ATVs...etc. into trucks. I may change my tune when I try to hoist myself up into a pickup (will need a step, for sure) but we shall see. I'm just excited about the possibility of change.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-50804459397129560862018-04-11T15:48:00.003-04:002018-04-11T15:53:14.545-04:00My kids might be insane<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last few days have been rough, but I like to try and keep things light for my own sanity. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Looking for the funny today, I had a realization. When I was a kid, my mother religiously made bag lunches for my brother and I. She did major grocery shopping about every 2 weeks, so she would stock up on things like Twinkies, Hostess cupcakes, or snack pack puddings. We always got a treat along with our healthy sandwich, piece of fruit, and bag of chips or Cheetos. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">When Tyler started Pre-K he went to a program that included a full hot meal every day. I started making lunches when he went to Kindergarten, but I noticed he would bring most of it home, uneaten, every day. I finally just asked him if he would rather get lunch at school and he was VERY enthusiastic about that idea. So, my school lunch making days pretty much ended. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">My kids were never fully exposed to the joys of Hostess or Little Debbie products. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fast forward to today. I just found an unopened box of Little Debbie swiss cake rolls in a bag on the kitchen floor. Max had dug through the bag and took the mandarin oranges, but left the cakes. Then I discovered that my carefully hidden bag (in my office) full of healthy snacks (nuts and sunflower seeds) had been raided by the teenager. He swiped all my sunflower seeds. 4 bags full! </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oranges and seeds. Swiss cake rolls untouched. I'm not saying a word about how tasty those little cakes are. Not one word. I'm torn. Have I done something wrong with my parenting...or something right?? My mother had to HIDE the boxes of treats she bought for our lunches or my brother and I would devour them as after school snacks. Or for breakfast. 😏</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sure, encouraging healthy eating practices is important. But a box of goodies, untouched for a WEEK? That's just...unnatural.</span>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-42308460811022654152018-03-16T08:15:00.000-04:002018-03-16T08:15:00.806-04:00Birthday Reflections<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">At the last minute, we found out John needed to go to Atlantic City for 2 days on a work thing. With John suddenly needing to go out of town, things were hectic but routine here on my birthday. Birthday celebrations will really begin sometime this weekend. I hope. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Am I wiser, now that I'm a year older? </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Well... a couple years ago John gave me an Echo Dot for Christmas to use in the bedroom. Recently, I started using it instead of my 30 year old digital alarm clock. The pleasant musical blooping of Alexa at the crack of da</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">wn is much nicer than the strident beeping of my old clock. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Today, I groggily said, "Alexa...snooze!" It worked! Twice! Max (who crawled into bed with me last night) was grinning at me. He was amused. It's a little less satisfying than smacking the bar on top of my old clock to make it shut up for 8 minutes, but I do prefer the blooping. You can teach an old dog new tricks.</span>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-33442325128534208322018-02-26T22:21:00.000-05:002018-02-26T22:21:13.258-05:00My favorite gear!Many years ago, when I rebooted my AOL Journal on Blogger, I had a nifty Amazon widget on the sidebar with all my favorite gear (in case one of my readers wanted to check out what camera, scanner, printer, etc. I used.) The widget has been gone for a while now, but I was looking over my collection of junk on the various surfaces around my desk and bed and thought it was time for an update!<br />
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My first new gear item is my hands-free flash/reading light!<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=allianceofafrica&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B01L6OHWDQ&asins=B01L6OHWDQ&linkId=dd5851f6ef01d502d46b00f497e8f47f&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;">
</iframe>
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It recharges with a standard android type cell phone USB charger (I use my Kindle charger because it is handily plugged in behind my bed for easy access at night.) It is also highly flexible and I plan to wrap this sucker around my cane for better night time hallway navigation.<br />
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This next one is a bit of a luxury, but I am very fortunate that my hubby works in high-tech and acquires some amazing free swag in his business travels. Bluetooth wireless headphones! They work with my phone, my Kindle, my new PC...uh...I think that's all the things I have with Bluetooth currently. Other than my minivan. But I don't recommend wearing headphones in the car/van.<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=allianceofafrica&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B0756CYWWD&asins=B0756CYWWD&linkId=985524d7413d349bb45dd984018eb34e&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;">
</iframe><br />
They are lightweight and the sound quality is amazing! If you can afford a wee bit of luxury, I highly recommend them.<br />
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I also love our GoPro HERO4 video camera. Another swag freebie from the husband. I know. I am VERY lucky! This has become a favorite of my YouTube fanatic youngest son. He's made some fun action videos with his friends on his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE2FdMZrYjTY5pg8783T3jA" target="_blank">YouTube channel</a>.<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=allianceofafrica&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00NIYJF6U&asins=B00NIYJF6U&linkId=b889246bb080a35ecc1939731d4301d4&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;">
</iframe>
We have the waterproof case, a head mount, a chest mount, and a swivel adapter for tripods. I think I have a wrist mount and handle for it too. The handle is a bright color and doubles as a flotation device in case you drop it in the water. Highly recommended.<br />
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Now, I do love my Bose headphones...but they aren't the best when you are trying to fall asleep. Cushy but not a great pillow. For my audio books (the perfect way to relax and put yourself to sleep) I love these headphones:<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=allianceofafrica&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B01N0ECCA6&asins=B01N0ECCA6&linkId=eb4e11952b7272db0f4ce2f67d58d1b9&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;">
</iframe>
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Soft, sweat-wicking, and super comfortable with decent audio. Plus much more affordable than the Bose. ;)<br />
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Last, but certainly not least, is my latest Kindle. I treated myself to an early Christmas present last Black Friday when these babies were 50% off. It is HUGE. I love the big screen. It's like having a personal sized TV in bed with me at night. Great for streaming my Amazon Prime shows and movies. Do I love Amazon? Oh, you betcha!<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=allianceofafrica&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B01NBIKAXU&asins=B01NBIKAXU&linkId=27e211aebe6b4ce1130a9056f9206f95&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;">
</iframe>
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I got a nifty snap-on, flip-fold cover for it too. The magnetic close turns the device off when the cover is on and the device turns on when you open the cover. Yeah yeah, you iPad people know all about this coolness. Now I have it too! That about covers all my current favorites. I use this Kindle so much, I gave my old laptop to my youngest. It was just gathering dust. I'm considering getting a bluetooth keyboard for it. Also in the market for a hands-free stand that works in bed. The flip cover folds into a stand but it works best on a solid flat surface. My bed is not flat nor is it very solid. Mushy, at best. :) Whew! Happy shopping, readers! I'm here if you need help finding anything.<br />
<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-17682748759595645082018-02-20T09:35:00.000-05:002018-02-20T09:35:23.224-05:00Mobility<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">Yesterday was another momentous day. I've struggled with severe pain and mobility issues for many years now, but for many reasons I have avoided a certain help aid for fear of judgement and ridicule. I didn't want to look like a stereotype, y'all! Showin' up on that People of Walmart website because someone felt the need to fat shame me... </span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">Ahem. </span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">Max wanted to make a trip to Walmart but I was having a bad pain day. He was so excited about a treasure find his pal Sean's dad got - a Rutgers logo football. I threw all reservations to the wind, limped to the car and vowed to try a store MOBILITY SCOOTER. *sigh* Yes. </span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">I've actually been pricing scooters and power chairs for a while now as my mobility has decreased slowly and steadily. So so many health issues. But I still want to be able to live some kind of life and go places with the family! Back to the Walmart scooter. It was FUN. Max and I spent 40 minutes tooling around the store, browsing and shopping. I filled the basket with 5 bags full of groceries and he found the football he wanted. It was the easiest and most enjoyable store trip I ever remember. I drove that thing like a boss!</span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">I'm really looking forward to getting my own scooter. It's one designed for outdoor use, so you may see me zipping around my neighborhood this spring. I see new photo safari adventures in my near future. (And if anyone sees a photo of me on one of those awful websites, leave a supportive comment and shame those horrible people who take these kinds of photos. It's cruel, unkind, and unnecessary. I'm a nice person who happens to be larger than average.) </span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">I have a few friends who could use a confidence boost to utilize these in-store scooters. Don't feel silly, self conscious, or weird! They are there to help you shop more easily! And it's FUN. </span></span><span blockkey="3agl" class="_5zk7" contentstate="q { "entityMap": [object Object], "blockMap": OrderedMap { "3agl": s { "key": "3agl", "type": "unstyled", "text": "Yesterday was another momentous day. I've struggled with severe pain and mobility issues for many years now, but for many reasons I have avoided a certain help aid for fear of judgement and ridicule. I didn't want to look like a stereotype, y'all! Showin' up on that People of Walmart website because someone felt the need to fat shame me... Ahem. Max wanted to make a trip to Walmart but I was having a bad pain day. He was so excited about a treasure find his pal Sean's dad got - a Rutgers logo football. I threw all reservations too the wind, limped to the car and vowed to try a store MOBILITY SCOOTER. *sigh* Yes. I've actually been pricing scooters and power chairs for a while now as my mobility has decreased slowly and steadily. So so many health issues. But I still want to be able to live some kind of life and go places with the family! But back to the Walmart scooter. It was FUN. Max and I spent 40 minutes tooling around the store, browsing and shopping. I filled the basket with 5 bags full of groceries and he found the football he wanted. It was the easiest and most enjoyable store trip I ever remember. I drove that thing like a boss! I'm really looking forward to getting my own scooter. It's one designed for outdoor use, so you may see me zipping around the neighborhood this spring. I see new photo safari adventures in my near future. (And if anyone sees a photo of me on one of those awful websites, leave a supportive comment and shame those horrible people who take these kinds of photos. It's cruel, unkind, and unnecessary. I'm a nice person who happens to be larger than average.) I have a few friends who could use a confidence boost to utilize these in-store scooters. Don't feel silly, self conscious, or weird! They are there to help you shop more easily! And it's FUN. #NowScoot", "characterList": List [ p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, 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1793, "isBackward": false, "hasFocus": true }, "selectionAfter": m { "anchorKey": "3agl", "anchorOffset": 1816, "focusKey": "3agl", "focusOffset": 1816, "isBackward": false, "hasFocus": true } }" data-offset-key="3agl-1-0" decoratedtext="#NowScoot" end="1816" offsetkey="3agl-1-0" spellcheck="false" start="1807" style="background-color: rgba(88, 144, 255, 0.15); border-bottom: 1px solid rgba(88, 144, 255, 0.3); color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-offset-key="3agl-1-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">#NowScoot</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><br />
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="3agl-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span data-text="true" style="font-family: inherit;">As for my scooter shopping, I think I have narrowed my choices down to one. Now it's just a matter of finding the best price. There is a moderate sense of urgency because I did something really scary and exciting. I bought tickets to a concert in a big stadium for Max and I. His first rock concert! It's at the end of the summer break in Hershey, PA. I'm going to get us a nice hotel room and make a weekend mini-vacation out of it. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">That's a LOT of walking. Hence the need for a scooter or power chair. I looked into renting one, but that's a fairly rural area. Hershey Park has them for park visitors on a first-come, first-served basis but they aren't available for use outside the park. I figure I'll buy my own scooter and just rent an accessible van so I can transport it to PA myself. That's the plan! With any luck, I'll be getting this sweet ride for my birthday. </span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-93MNcyG5HH0/WowxRf_tRGI/AAAAAAAAC6o/josJDHRZZdYizaK9BLWY8DY5FBxxL_fxQCLcBGAs/s1600/panther.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="843" data-original-width="811" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-93MNcyG5HH0/WowxRf_tRGI/AAAAAAAAC6o/josJDHRZZdYizaK9BLWY8DY5FBxxL_fxQCLcBGAs/s320/panther.jpg" width="307" /></a></div>
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<span blockkey="3agl" class="_5zk7" contentstate="q { "entityMap": [object Object], "blockMap": OrderedMap { "3agl": s { "key": "3agl", "type": "unstyled", "text": "Yesterday was another momentous day. I've struggled with severe pain and mobility issues for many years now, but for many reasons I have avoided a certain help aid for fear of judgement and ridicule. I didn't want to look like a stereotype, y'all! Showin' up on that People of Walmart website because someone felt the need to fat shame me... Ahem. Max wanted to make a trip to Walmart but I was having a bad pain day. He was so excited about a treasure find his pal Sean's dad got - a Rutgers logo football. I threw all reservations too the wind, limped to the car and vowed to try a store MOBILITY SCOOTER. *sigh* Yes. I've actually been pricing scooters and power chairs for a while now as my mobility has decreased slowly and steadily. So so many health issues. But I still want to be able to live some kind of life and go places with the family! But back to the Walmart scooter. It was FUN. Max and I spent 40 minutes tooling around the store, browsing and shopping. I filled the basket with 5 bags full of groceries and he found the football he wanted. It was the easiest and most enjoyable store trip I ever remember. I drove that thing like a boss! I'm really looking forward to getting my own scooter. It's one designed for outdoor use, so you may see me zipping around the neighborhood this spring. I see new photo safari adventures in my near future. (And if anyone sees a photo of me on one of those awful websites, leave a supportive comment and shame those horrible people who take these kinds of photos. It's cruel, unkind, and unnecessary. I'm a nice person who happens to be larger than average.) I have a few friends who could use a confidence boost to utilize these in-store scooters. Don't feel silly, self conscious, or weird! They are there to help you shop more easily! And it's FUN. #NowScoot", "characterList": List [ p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, "entity": null }, p { "style": OrderedSet {}, 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<br />Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-36402203809268694412018-02-14T22:36:00.000-05:002018-02-14T22:36:32.302-05:00Raising Teenagers[blows dust off the keyboard]<br />
<br />
Almost 2 and a half months since my last entry. The holiday rush really does throw me off my game. I've actually had the urge to write a bunch of times in the last month but something always seems to sidetrack me.<br />
<br />
Tonight I was watching Young Sheldon and thinking about the experience of being a fish out of water. Growing up in a home where no one understands you or has anything in common with you. I felt that way a lot growing up. Disenfranchised. Moody. Isolated. Not a shred of similarity between me or any of my immediate family members (other than a love of books and music that my brother and I shared.) My mother frequently called me a nonconformist. She was irritated, but I took that as a compliment.<br />
<br />
I grew up assuming that most kids were like me. Angst ridden and eager to leave home and be free. As time has passed and I starting raising kids of my own and spent time with other parents on the same journey, I realized growing up a <i>fish out of water</i> was not all that common. A lot of kids were well adjusted, very similar to their parents and siblings - outgoing, successful and confident.<br />
<br />
I also assumed that my awkwardness and general unhappiness was the fault of my upbringing. My parents must have done something wrong. Sure, they made a lot of mistakes, but as time goes on and my kids are getting older, I also realize they were doing the best they could. As I do. My parenting style is very very different from the way my parents did things. Deliberately so. I thought I could correct all those perceived mistakes and turn out kids that were more well adjusted, socially responsible, and kind. I see hope for that in Max. He is generally kind, has loads of empathy and loves with his whole heart.<br />
<br />
My teenager, on the other hand, is a fish out of water in this family of ours. He is unfiltered to the point of rudeness, he doesn't hesitate to say hurtful things, he values money and status above all else, and idolizes our current president and his ideals. He is also borderline racist and says things that sound suspiciously like white supremacy propaganda. Loves to argue. I could go on and on. I love that kid to death but sometimes I also want to strangle him. (A note to my mother - I am SO sorry for how difficult I was as a teen. You are a saint and I'm surprised I survived.)<br />
<br />
Where he learned his viewpoints, politics and extreme love of body building is a mystery. No one else in this house thinks the way he does. He must feel very disenfranchised, moody, isolated, and so on. He has my sympathy. Plus I think he should go live with my parents. He would fit in PERFECTLY there. Heh.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-68073934282437644192017-11-30T16:41:00.001-05:002017-11-30T16:41:13.155-05:00Proud Mama<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Wow, what a week! The husband is away, so I'm playing single mom. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">The teen ate something I cooked. Twice. He didn't like it, but he ate it anyway. LOL Then, today, he asked me to teach him how to do LAUNDRY! You could have knocked me over with a feather. He gathered his dirty things, put them in the washer himself, poured the soap, and followed my directions on which buttons and knobs to twist. After an hour, he checked to see if it was time to load them in the dryer. That h</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">as a few more settings and he got a bit frustrated, but still, he did 90% of the work himself and even checked the LINT TRAP! Who is this kid?? And where is my Tyler? </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">He's also been getting the mail for me all week and bringing in all boxes and packages. And we are talking Christmas shopping package volume. Oh, and home schooling. That's a long story.</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Then, today, Max witnessed a boy classmate shove then tackle a girl classmate to the ground at recess. He saw red, y'all. He knows I don't condone violence, but when you see someone bully someone else that badly...I understand why he defended her. He's not a football player, but apparently he took that kid down HARD. Another friend jumped into the fray too. Then, after band practice, he told me the whole story (worried that I'd gotten a call from the Principal) and wanted to stop by his friend's house to check on her. He was super worried. She's ok and Max is very relieved. There has not been a single dull moment around here. I have a feeling I will be sleeping ALL weekend.</span>Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-24395556447051996082017-11-13T01:29:00.002-05:002017-11-13T01:29:39.277-05:00Feelings and Grief<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">“See, nobody believes in friendship. People talk about it, you see it on
TV, people drop by or go to the doctor together…no one eats alone. But most
people are alone. That’s the thing about friendship. It’s a lot rarer than
love, because there is nothing in it for anybody.” Steve Dallas (as played by Owen Wilson in <i>Are You Here</i>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I was watching a movie and that quote caught me completely off guard. The movie is about a very unconventional friendship and it threw me back through space and time to when I had a best friend in a very unconventional friendship. Like the character played by Zach Galifianakis, my best friend back when I was a teen had serious mental illness. When her mood was up, she was funny, inventive, weird, and super fun to be around. She was also fiercely loyal and would drop anything and be there if I needed her. I felt the same way. We might have been rather unhealthily codependent, but it worked for us.</div>
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She was diagnosed as "manic depressive" and I suffered from a hormonal imbalance and some suspected PTSD from years of being bullied and mentally/physically abused. I hid what was going on with me rather well so I never ended up in therapy like my best friend did. In our relationship, I was the stable "sane" one. I can laugh about that now. But she depended on me being her rock, so I rose to the occasion as often as she needed me to. Until the last day, when I let her down. I just couldn't rise that day. That day everything was too much and I was in too low a place to be there when she really REALLY needed me. But that's another sad story.</div>
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Back to the quote. It is really a profound statement on what it means to be a REAL friend. Sure, many claim to have friends. You have people you can call to go have lunch, go shopping, maybe have dinner. But if your world was crashing down around you and you were ready to lie down and die, do you have a friend you can count on to drop everything and come right over? Just to listen and hold your hand? Or clean your house? Just see a need and do it, without being asked? Be there without ever expecting anything in return? Just because you are needed. Just because you love that person and want to see them happy.</div>
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I miss that. I miss having a real friend. I lost my best friend 26 years ago and, even now, the grief sometimes overwhelms me. If you have suffered a profound loss in your life, people love to say that time heals all wounds. But it's a lie. They might scab over, but they never fully heal. Sometimes, many years pass and something opens up those wounds and you bleed all over again. I want to call my friend and tell her about this movie. I think she would have hated the ending as much as I did. And we would laugh about it.</div>
Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-52794547174442210002017-10-24T03:20:00.000-04:002017-10-24T03:20:58.864-04:00DepressionYep. I struggle with depression. Have for many years. They say laughter is the best medicine and I do stave off the darkness a little with humor.<br />
<br />
Today, for instance. I was very hungry. I wouldn't say I'm a picky eater, but I have some quirks when it comes to food. One being that expiration dates are not just a suggestion to me. I take them very seriously. Except today. I ate expired hot dogs. And I mean a MONTH past their expiration date. And I ate expired soup. And I didn't care. If food killed me it would just confirm every bias every negative person has ever had toward me because I'm fat. "See! I told you she would eat herself to death. You owe me $5." These are the conversations I imagine family and neighbors will have.<br />
<br />
Then I told the husband "If I die today, it's because I ate expired hotdogs and soup. Just tell the coroner that. But make my obit sound a little more interesting. Food poisoning is dull. Say...my intestines exploded. That's way more interesting." The husband laughed. I was only half joking. But it did lighten my mood a fraction. I guess I'm not ready to die quietly and mysteriously just yet.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, my dark mood wasn't helped by yet another incident with the teen boy late today. He was using his little brother as a tackling dummy again. "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt!" someone used to say. Someone got hurt. Again. I get exhausted repeating myself to my nearly 6' tall teenager who weighs 180 lbs of pure muscle. He threw his tiny 70 lb brother onto the sofa several times in a row with increasing force until I heard the tell-tale THUD of head impacting wood instead of sofa cushion. Oh god... Plus the crushing force of 180 lbs of muscle impacting a tiny chest and knocking the wind out.<br />
<br />
Max was curled in a ball making a noise no human should ever make as he tried to get air back into his lungs. Yes. I freaked out. I was ignored repeatedly and my baby got hurt. When he was finally able to breathe again, I had to listen to the teen say over and over and over "See! He's fine. He's not even crying. He's fine." *poke poke* *shove* "See? Fine." Son, see how he is curled in the fetal position and not breathing normally? THAT'S NOT FINE!<br />
<br />
Oh I was livid. And scared. It's not a good combo. When Max finally started to cry, the teen had already left the room in disgust because his brother hadn't tackled him back, per his invitation. Because retaliation always makes everything ok, right? And a near lifeless boy curled on the sofa is no fun. Max holding his head and crying in pain would have pissed him off, so it was good he'd left the room. Me? I just wanted the Dad to do a concussion check. He's a coach. He took a class. He's supposed to know what to look for. No one was taking me seriously! Oh it's just Mom over-reacting again.<br />
<br />
When he finally came out of his man cave to look at his little boy, the attitude changed. YES, this was serious. YES, we may need to go to the ER because it's long after hours for any regular doctor visit. You are in your PJs and just put all your clothes into the wash? Seriously. I got dressed in a hurry while he dug for some info on Google to remind him about concussions. Then he called a nurse hotline from a fridge magnet we got in the mail. We are still between insurance plans since the layoff.<br />
<br />
The nurse calmed us all down. Ran through a checklist with lots of questions. Tylenol. Check. See if he can sleep. If the pain is still there in 6 hours and he can't sleep, ER time. For now, just watch and see. He is sleeping. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep again.<br />
<br />
Was it over? Was calm restored? No. Teen came out and made smart ass remarks about how weak his brother is. How he didn't get THAT hurt. How he did nothing wrong. He never does anything wrong. Everything is always someone else's fault. I testily reminded him that I told him to STOP and that Max was going to get hurt. And oh look. You are too big to mess with him that way! Just leave him be! He decided to take his frustration out on me. Called me every name he could think of. I'm a crappy mother. I'm not his mother. I'm no one to him. If I die, he's not going to my funeral. He'll just stay home and play video games because it's just another day where no one who mattered died. "I hate you so much!!" *storms out of room* I yell after him "Oh yeah? Well I'm not feeling all that great about you either, right now!"<br />
<br />
He storms back into the room, grabs a bottle of spring water out of the case on the floor near the kitchen, opens it, rushes into my office and throws it into my face so forcefully it hurts and I am instantly soaked to the skin. My chair, soaked. Desk area, soaked. My god, who knew so much water could come out of one of those bottles so fast and HARD. Then he laughed and pointed in my face and stomped away.<br />
<br />
The sheer violence and malicious intent left me in shock. It was my turn to have the wind knocked out of me. My anger turned to fear. He's shoved me before. He'd gotten up into my face and threatened to strike me. He's broken things. He's slammed things. Those were in moments of meltdown. This time it was calculated, cold and hateful. I limped to the bedroom, quickly slammed and locked my door and changed out of my soaking wet clothes. I was sobbing hysterically. He yelled from his room. "That slam was pathetic. I can slam a door WAY harder than that!"<br />
<br />
I sat shaking for a long time. I was in full panic. I didn't feel safe. I had to get out of there! I quickly dressed, grabbed a couple things, found my shoes and purse and prepared to run out the front door. Where? Where the hell was I going? John came back upstairs after settling Max in the guest room (a quiet place far from his brother.) He saw the look on my face and knew instantly something was very wrong. "What did he do now?!" I cried into his chest and related what had happened. I had to go. A hotel. I was going to a hotel for the night. "OK. Just let me know where you end up so I can call you if Max needs to go to the ER later." He's such a good guy. Didn't even blink when I said I was leaving to stay somewhere else for the night. But the comment about Max and the ER brought me back from the brink.<br />
<br />
I can't leave my baby until I know he is ok. So I sit here, crying. Typing. Wanting to GO. RUN. Mentally kicking myself. Where did we go wrong? We love that teen. I gave up my career and later my health/mobility to be a mom to my boys. I don't hit. I don't nag. I don't yell unless things get crazy (like tonight). I'm quiet. I'm helpful. I'm supportive. I love freely and happily give all to make them happy. How does a child so loved, cherished and cared for turn into a hateful monster. I just don't understand. How does a child do something so cold, calculated and hateful to his mother? His disabled mother who loves him.<br />
<br />
How do you look at someone who has lost most of her hair, walks slowly with a cane, can't stand up straight, is in near constant pain and never does anything to cause anyone any pain or sorrow and is only here to help in any way possible...how do you look at that face of love with zero compassion and throw something at it? I really don't understand. I'm so lost right now.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-55066793850779642382017-10-19T11:32:00.000-04:002017-10-19T11:32:07.643-04:00Drifting through memory...I'm in a haze of exhaustion. The hubby started his new job on Monday and I went from 5 mph to 500 overnight. Running the kids to and from school. Running out for food. Pokemon Go! and trips to GameStop...and the teen is operating on his own schedule forcing me to run him around separately. He's so tired, he can't function in the morning. I just want both boys in the car at the same time. One trip. It seems such a simple request. But I end up taking Max to school first and the teen is late and getting later every day.<br />
<br />
Max crawled into bed with me last night and proceeded to hit, kick and knee me in the spine. He's a very restless sleeper. Violent, even. At one point, he hit me in the stomach so hard, I yelped in pain. He says, in his sleep, "didn' know they could bark..." If my eyes weren't watering in pain, I would have burst out laughing. No idea what he was dreaming about. He still got up on time and made it to school and I was left lying in bed in a daze. I was sooo looking forward to going back to sleep. Hubby's first meeting was actually in NJ less than an hour away so he was able to take the boys to school. But the teen couldn't get it together. Mom is on deck again.<br />
<br />
My brain went into overdrive as I contemplated going back to sleep for just a little while before trying to get the teen moving again. Sleep? No chance. I started thinking about whether he will ever be able to function independently. Will he be able to live on his own? Get himself up for work? Learn to drive? I had my learner's permit at 15 and a half and was driving myself to the public transportation bus stop across town at 16. On my own. The teen will be 16 at the beginning of December and I'm having a hard time imagining him driving. His autism and ADHD are some serious hurdles.<br />
<br />
I drifted through thoughts of my teen years. I went to a private Catholic high school several towns away from my home. They didn't provide busing, so I had to take public transportation. MBTA bus from the outskirts of Bedford to Arlington Heights, where I would change buses. A Harvard Square bus (yes, THAT Harvard) to the center of downtown Arlington where I would hop off, cross 4 lanes of heavy traffic (Rt. 2a/3) and down a side street to my school. All that starting at age 14. I still find it hard to fathom how my parents could stick me on a city bus and send me so far away at such a young age. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it. It was a great school and I was thrilled to have passed the entrance exam. It's just...looking back as a mom, I would be terrified to let one of my kids travel so far, unsupervised.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty proud of myself. It was a huge confidence boost. My friend Kathleen and I grew rather bold and adventurous. We had a bus pass. That bus we took every day did go all the way into Boston. Why not ride it to Harvard Square and have a look around? Such great adventures. My mother would have had a heart attack if she knew. Browsing around Newbury Comics. Walking the campus at Harvard. I wonder why I never applied there. Oh yes. My parents couldn't afford it and no one ever told me about scholarships. I may have been bold and somewhat adventurous, but I was still an ignorant teen and made a lot of mistakes. Ah, the good old days.<br />
<br />
I kinda wish I could rewind time for a bit. We did choir. We did tennis. We filled our after school hours with just hanging around the school parking lot or the bus station. Why didn't we go into Boston more? Probably because we were perpetually broke and lacked imagination. I wish I'd taken advantage of my student status and gone to the museums. Walked the waterfront. Hung out at Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market. Oh man, I could really go for a slice of Pizzeria Regina pie right now.<br />
<br />
We were so fit and full of energy. I really miss that. My teen has no idea how lucky he is to be coming into his own. What a great age to be. There is a bus stop right down the hill from us. I'm torn between encouraging him to explore and terrified he might hop on and head into NYC. New York of today is NOT Boston of early the 1980s. I never felt in danger on the bus or walking around the city. Just an occasional homeless guy at the bus station or trying to sit with the kids on the bus. The bus driver was actually right on top of things. He never let anyone bother us. There's another thing I haven't thought about since those days. The surly but kind bus drivers. There were a couple we got to know pretty well because they drove the same route at the same time each day.<br />
<br />
And now it's almost 11:30 and the teen is still sleeping. I don't think he's making it to school today. We need to revisit sleep strategies with his therapist. His sleep disorder is getting out of control again. And back to reality.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19022044.post-27592272040874147472017-10-15T10:20:00.000-04:002017-10-15T10:20:27.789-04:00Morning thoughts...Rough night last night. Up multiple times for various reasons. I think I am up for the day now. 8 AM on a Sunday is a bit early for my taste, but I figured I could come to my desk and maybe do a long overdue bit of writing.<br />
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*comes back 15 minutes later*<br />
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I guess not. Youngest son needed some nudging to get to church school on time. Found him fast asleep on the sofa. Then, as he got ready, he suddenly needed to add Instagram to his little iPod. Do I know his ID and password? Nope. He set that one up all on his own. Good luck with that one, son.<br />
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OK, where was I? Ah. Morning thoughts... I rolled around in bed for an hour this morning trying to get back to sleep, but my brain decided to power up. I found myself wondering about certain friends on FaceBook that I hadn't seen post anything for a while. Then I got worried. It's on my To Do list to go looking for them and check in today. Then I moved on to contemplating the growling in my stomach. Yep. Hungry. Am I going to eat something? Nope. Not hungry enough for that, yet. That got my brain thinking about my food addiction and how I might fare if I replace it with a different addiction.<br />
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Gambling? Nah. Spending all our worldly funds doesn't seem prudent. We need to buy food. *dammit* Um. Oh! I could take up <b>drinking</b>.<br />
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Now if you are an alcoholic in recovery, or currently struggling, or suffered at the hands of someone who drank too much, this post isn't directed at you. I'm about to get inappropriate.<br />
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From what I've seen in the movies and on TV, you can get drunk pretty cheaply, so, I wouldn't be breaking the bank. No froo froo fancy drinks with umbrellas, tho. Too much sugar. I do love those little umbrellas. [note to self: look on Amazon for little umbrellas] Oh! I think we have an unopened bottle of wine in the house!<br />
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*goes to look*<br />
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Yep! Still in a Christmas gift bag on the floor here in my office. Been there for, oh, maybe 14 years? A gift from one of the husband's coworkers. It's moved around a lot over the years. Somewhere around year 5, I read that wine should be stored on its side so the cork doesn't dry out. If the cork dries out, the wine evaporates and/or turns into vinegar. Or something. What do I know, I am not a drinker. But I turned the gift bag on its side back then, just in case. It might already have been too late.<br />
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So now I have a bottle of wine. Its drink-ability is questionable. Wait, do I even own a corkscrew? I vaguely remember having a yellow plastic bottle opener that had a hidden corkscrew... OK. If I'm going to become a serious alcoholic, I'll need a good corkscrew. [note to self: look on Amazon for a kick ass wine bottle opener]<br />
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OK. Since my ability to open this wine is in question, I may need to move to plan B. A trip to a liquor store. Do I even know where one is? *pauses for thought* Yes! I think I remember seeing one in the same plaza as our supermarket. I wonder if our market has any of those nice cheese platters today... Dang it! No. No food! Think booze.<br />
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Liquor store. Boy, I'm going to feel like a real fish out of water in there. This could be potentially hilarious, if the store has the right employee with a good sense of humor. This has hidden camera potential. My GoPro head mount might be a little too obvious. I need to locate the chest mount! It's been missing since Max used it to film his antics at the trampoline place.<br />
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Me to liquor store worker: "Hi! I wonder if you can help me. I'm thinking about becoming an alcoholic. Do you have some kind of starter pack? Or recommendations?"<br />
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*wait for reaction*<br />
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Oh yeah. Potential comic gold. I think I should film me trying to get this wine bottle open too. That taste test could also be gold.Beckyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16689649366003513145noreply@blogger.com0