Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Health Scare

My life seems to be a serious of ironic cautionary tales. If I can't live as a good example, then I can be the one they point at and say "Don't do THAT!"  There is value in that, I think. Heh.

Now that I have diffused the seriousness of the situation with a bit of humor (I always do that), I would like to comment on the irony of my life at this moment. Nearly 3 weeks into a new healthy lifestyle change and I have a "cardiac event".  Something about the vagus nerve and dangerously low heart rate followed by waves of dizziness, nausea, all over flop sweat and a general feeling that I was on the brink of death. Not a good feeling. My cardiologist was concerned.

So yesterday I went in for my second appointment to have a serious of ultrasounds and to have a Holter attached...this nifty heart monitor that I am currently wearing. It's charcoal grey. I would have preferred black, as black is more slimming, but I digress.

Just to make life more interesting, instead of waking up to a vasovagal response, I woke yesterday feeling like death for a different reason. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Resting heart rate was 117 for over 2 hours after I got up. I barely got through showering and dressing for the doctor. I was feeling weak, my muscles barely responding and I didn't know if I would make it to the car. My heart rate slowed a bit in the car ride to the doctor's office, but the ultrasound tech commented on how fast my heart was beating during the test. Hopefully it helped. If I have any blockages, I figured they would stand out.

The doctor didn't come in after the test (which I took as a good sign) and after the tech attached this nifty monitor, I limped home. I didn't know how I was going to get back into the house. Thank goodness John was there to help. I made a bee-line for bed and passed out. I woke periodically to use the bathroom, but ultimately I slept for 16 hours! I felt like I had run a marathon after having my heart rate that high for so long.

So now I am awake and feeling loads better. John thinks I am fighting off a virus. The boys are all in varying stages of sick too. Maybe so. I hope so. 24 hours of heart monitoring and I basically slept the entire time. Heh. I don't know if the data from this thing will be useful, but I do have one more test on Friday. Since I can't run on a treadmill, the doc is going to chemically raise my heart rate and do some tests. After yesterday, I am scared to have my heart rate go up again. Ah well. If something bad is going to happen, having it occur across the street from a hospital with a cardiologist in the room is the place to do it, I guess.

4 hours and 12 minutes until I can take off the Holter. Max thinks my wires are cool. Tyler thinks it's creepy.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Love and Hate

I read a quote once that really resonated with me. "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." -Elie Wiesel

I've spent a lot of time ruminating over that quote and it is an ultimate truth. I see relationships fall apart and the couples expending so much energy spouting hate at each other. So much emotion. Do they really hate each other? They were deeply in love once. I think the love is still there, but it's been twisted and corrupted. If you no longer love someone, why would you care what they think? How they feel? What they are doing? You wouldn't. See? Indifference. You couldn't care less. You just want them to be gone from your life so you can find happiness elsewhere.  Hate is a waste of energy and emotion. You have better things to do with your time.

So my message is this... if you are considering breaking up with someone, ask yourself - do you still care what they think? How they feel? What they are doing, and with whom? Then think about their answers to those same questions. Love is, after all, a two way street. You can have all the love in the world for someone, but there can't be a relationship if they don't feel the same way. Are they indifferent toward you? Do your feelings no longer matter? Do they hurt you?  Then stop wasting your time and find someone who will cherish you.

I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone (and often more than one someone.) The search for love should never stop until you find the one who makes your life complete.

I feel blessed that I found my love. How do I know he loves me? Because he cares. He shows me every day in so many little ways. I hope he feels the same from me. I care more than I could ever express with mere words.